Page 61 of Playing the Player

Livvy: So you really haven’t heard from him?

Me: No. I’m at work.

Three dots appear. Disappear. Then come back.

Livvy: Funny. I stopped by your office with a coffee and they told me you also called in sick… Coincidence?

I stare at the screen and then at Conor. “We are so busted.”

25

Conor

My mind is so quiet. It has been for an entire week now. I didn’t think that was possible.

When Sasha is in my arms, which lately, has been more often than not, all I can think about is her. When she’s not in my arms, thoughts of her consume me. Her smile, her laugh, the way she scrunches her nose up when she’s concentrating. How she somehow manages to make everything around her seem lighter.

I’ve spent my whole life chasing the silence, trying to outrun the constant noise in my head. Hockey helped. Being with my teammates helped. But nothing has ever come close to what Sasha does to me. With her, everything just settles. The world finally makes sense.

I shouldn’t have told her that sleeping together didn’t change anything. Because it changed everything. At the time, I convinced myself that it didn’t. That we could carry on pretending. That we’d simply crossed another line and move on like nothing happened.

I was kidding myself. And now I’m in too deep. And tomorrow, if she asked me to walk away, I honestly don’t think I could.

“Come on, Bella.” Sasha pleads, gently bouncing Isabella on her knee. “Just drink the bottle. You were hungry two seconds ago, girl.”

Tonight is Josh and Olivia’s monthly date night, so I volunteered to help Sasha babysit. Sasha doesn’t need the help. Bella has stayed over here so many times already, but this way, I get to spend two whole days with my two favorite girls. I would be such an ass to turn that down.

“Want me to try?” I offer, holding my hands out for the four month old baby. Sasha huffs but gives in, handing me Bella and her bottle. The second the bottle reaches Isabella’s mouth, she happily starts drinking. I can’t stop the smug grin spreading across my face.

“Oh my God, she hates me!” Sasha groans covering her face with her hands. “I’m gonna be a terrible mom someday.”

“Bella doesn't hate you, Angel. She just likes me better.” I tease, “And you’re gonna be a great mom someday. Don’t doubt that.”

“How do you know that? I can’t even get a baby to drink a bottle, Conor.”

“Well, you basically raised Liam and look how he turned out.”

“Yeah, leaving home without telling anyone and getting a bus across the country on his own. I wouldn’t say me raising him turned out great.”

“Sash, he did that to get to you because you are so good to him.” Silence fills the room for a moment. “He knew exactly who’d make him feel safe and understood. You did that.” I shift Isabella onto my shoulder. “Plus, he has ADHD. We’re harder to raise than most.” I can’t speak for everyone who has the diagnosis, but from a lot of the cases I do know of, we’re all similar. “I think he turned out great for being faced with such a difficult life and that’s all on you.”

Sasha’s eyes soften, giving me a small smile. “Thank you.” She says, standing from her spot on the couch to kiss my cheek. “At least I’ve had plenty of practice.” She laughs as she walks around the back of the couch. “You’ll probably pass it down to our kids.”

I freeze.

Sasha freezes.

Bella lets out a tiny burp between us.

Slowly, Sasha spins to face me, her eyes wide. “Our…” She clamps a hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean…”

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself laughing.

“I…” She points at me. “Don’t you dare-” A laugh escapes me before I can stop it. “Oh shut up, Conor!” She storms off into the kitchen, my laughter following her.

I glance down at Bella. “Did you hear that, Connie girl?” She blinks up at me with those big green-blue eyes. “Our kids.” The words echo around in my head.

I’d never really thought about having children. Not seriously. I didn’t think I’d be cut out to be a good parent, but then Isabella came along. And now, the idea doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. Especially when I picture those kids with Sasha. Watching her with Bella and Liam, I already know she’d be an incredible mom. The thought settles somewhere dangerously deep inside my chest.