Page 34 of Horsemen and Hot Chocolate

Smudge meowed, raising himself on his hind legs to paw at her. Katrina picked him up, and he curled in her lap. The soft, rolling purrs vibrated into her legs, and tears pricked her eyes.

Father let out another concerning wheeze, and she squeezed his hand. The thought of losing him—of everything she wished to say and do with him before he departed from this life—bore down on her chest. Time was too short.

A tear slipped down her face and landed on her father’s hand. His eyes fluttered open and landed on her.

“Now, what’s this about?” he asked, his voice raspy. He raised his hand to the tears pressing against her eyes. The pad of his thumb gently wiped them away before his palm cradled the side of her face. She leaned into it, memorizing the feel of his hand. Their strength had weakened, but he was still the caring Papa she’d always known.

“It’s but dust in the air,” she said. “I’m sorry for disturbing your sleep.”

“But can dust do this?” he asked, rubbing at the crease between her brows. “Or this?” His thumb traced the path of her frown.

“No,” she said sheepishly. But she could not tell him what was in her heart—about him, Brom, or Willem. Bearing the secrets of her feelings had been a terrible, lonely burden. “But it matters not.”

He studied her long and hard, and she swallowed nervously.

“Has it to do with your nightly escapades?” he asked. “I’ve seen you through the window when I have trouble sleeping.”

Her breath caught in her throat. A spike of fear flashed through her heart before she hung her head in defeat. There would be no avoiding the inevitable questions, so she asked one first.

“How long have you known?”

“Since after All Hallows’ Eve.”

“And you said nothing? Does Mother know?” she asked.

“No.”

Her head tilted. “But… why say nothing?”

Compassion glimmered in his eyes. “You’ve been distant, and these nightly walks appear to make you happier. I know I ask so much of you, so I thought I’d grant you this freedom.”

Katrina swallowed, her thoughts drifting to the conversations with Willem, his interest and patience as she chatted about her day. Their stargazing together, their walks, the sweets they shared, and the drawings of her warmed her heart. But most of all, she could not forget his quiet but sincere words about seeing her light.

He saw her for who she truly was.

“Thank you,” she said, “I needed the escape.”

He coughed with a rasping sound before nodding. “I do not wish to cage you, my dear. But I must know if you are safe.”

Katrina hesitated as thoughts of Willem’s strong arms surfaced, of how they wrapped around her in a protective gesture. Shaking her head, she could never tell her father these things. He’d forbid her from leaving the house again.

“I am. I know it’s strange, but I feel like angels protect me somehow.”

Father squeezed her hand. “Yes, I believe your brother is watching over you. He wished to protect you with every breath. It’s why he went to war. He wanted a better future for you.”

Her throat grew hot as tears pricked her eyes. Even in death, she felt her brother had sent Willem to be her protector in his stead. Self-loathing washed over her; how selfless and caring Johannes was compared to her self-centered thinking. Memories of when he taught her how to balance a hoop with a stick, of when he’d push her on the swing, and of when he'd dry her tears when she was injured flooded her mind. He protected her from boys pulling her hair and playing marbles on rainy days. He’d always been a caring soul who put others before himself. She did not deserve a brother like him. Perhaps that’s why he was taken from her.

Her tears flowed freely, dripping down her chin and staining Father’s linen sheets. A sob tempted her throat, but she swallowed it down. She did not need to give her father more reason to worry about her.

But the words she’d held in for so long trembled from her lips.

“I miss him, Papa,” she said. “I miss my brother.”

Father’s eyes took on a glassy sheen as he clasped her fingers in her warm hands. “And I—” His chin quivered. “I miss him too.”

Katrina could no longer contain her swell of emotions, gently nudging Smudge from her lap, she embraced her father.

It was the first time they had admitted such things to one another in years. Many tears spilled, but love filled her heart.