Page 32 of A Beast Captured My Heart

“When you went to Nia’s funeral, was it an open or closed casket?”

Her brows went up, suspicion graced her face.

“Have you been taking your meds Praise? I found a very good doctor in Vegas you can start seeing.”

Nodding my head an agreement, I knew it was for my own good. I planned on finding a doctor anyway after talking to Kayori about us both going to see and talk to someone. In the black community, a lot of us hated the thought of going to a doctor to talk about our issues and seeking the right kind of help. Kayori told me it would be for the best that we both went. She said it would help her gain good closure and accept and love herself more instead of being angry about scars she can’t make go away. For me, she said it would be good to better myself not only for myself but for Mattea.

“I’ll go to the doctor; I already told a close friend of mine that I would go. She even found a couple of good black therapists to see.”

“She? Who is she?”

My mom sat up to ash her cigarette while smiling wide at me.

“Mom let’s get back on topic, this is really important to me. Laquanna said some shit to me that could change it all. She said…”

I had to clear my throat as it burned and got tight. To think about being betrayed in such a way made my chest tight and my head hurt. Laquanna could not possibly pull some shit off like this, she had to of had help if it was true. which meant I killed innocent people in the process. Well, they were not all innocent because they were a part of the street war I was having at the time.

“She said that Nia was still alive, and she is fucking her.”

My mom’s mouth formed into an O as she tried to process what I just said. I know I probably sounded crazy and that’s why I wanted Kayori to come here with me to prove what I heard was real. My mom knew me better than anyone though, so she would be able to tell.

“Nia’s casket was closed baby. You know that crazy girl is trying to do anything to hurt you.”

My mom looked pissed off as she sparked up another cigarette, I hated the way she smoked those Newports.

“I should call her raggedy ass and tell her about her fast ass!”

Shaking my head, no, I continued my revelation. I could always be unfiltered when it came to my mental problem.

“I think she was for real momma. Well Beast took it as she was for real. He shot at her and the way she said it, when I looked in her eyes through Beast, she seemed for real.”

My mom sat up and looked at me frowning up, her cigarette dangled from her lips as she scolded me.

“You shot at her! You risked going to jail by not knowing facts all because of her stupid ass revelation! Praise! When are you going to realize that Beast is you, you are Beast! When you accept that and merge you and him together you will be at a lot of peace! You have to merge him into you! He is not a separate fucking person Praise! He is a part of you.” She pointed her finger my way as she stood to her feet and started to pace.

“Beast is the part of you that you don’t want to accept Praise. I hate that for you baby, I swear I do but you’re in denial. When you act out and change the way you are it is Beast but he is you! I’ve seen you do this since a kid.”

The tears ran down her face and my heart tightened; my throat started to burn. I hate that crying shit, but it was hard for me not to. Watching my momma cry brings back bad memories, I would talk to the voices and she would get so mad and yell at me telling me to stop acting crazy. Back then my mom really didn’t understand the severity of my condition. I used to hear her crying her eyes out in her room praying to God that her firstborn son wasn’t crazy. She wouldn’t take me many places, because she would be scared of me having outbursts or tantrums when I felt triggered. She had me evaluated so many times, that some of those medicines made me crazier. When she had Michael, she spoiled him hard and made sure that he wasn’t crazy. I used to resent her for taking him places and finding a babysitter for me. As I became an adult, I forgave her because she was only human and didn’t know the right way to go about things being a young black mother. Besides that, though, my mother showed me love and she tended to me the best she could. In the back of my mind, and still, to this day, a small part of me still felt like she was ashamed of me. I guess all the medicine back then had an effect on my mind, I stop hearing the voices, I stopped feeling crazy. Up until I hit thirteen, it started right back up, every time I showed signs of crazy my mom would re-admit me and get me evaluated again. When I got to the age of seventeen, I left home and became my own man. I was tired of my mom feeling like I was a burden, I was tired of hearing her complain about my medical bills. I got out in the streets and started hustling becoming that nigga, and once my plug died, I took over and became big. My mom never put up a fight for me, never told me to not be in the streets, she loved everything my dirty money brought her. I didn’t despise her for it, cause again everybody wasn’t perfect. Getting out of the game meant a lot to me at this age, being in the game gave me painful memories of why I even got in this shit, to begin with.

“I’m going to get custody of Mattea, Praise…”

I looked up at her and finally broke my silence.

“If you do that momma, I will cut you off financially. I love you to death, but you don’t get to dictate how my child would be cared for. I agreed to see your fucking doctor, I still take those fucking pills you forced me to take! I do a lot of things you say for my own peace and sanity but I will not let you dangle my daughter over me!”

My chest heaved up and down as anger filled me up. Lately I was on edge, I tried my hardest to stay in control but people were pressing all of my buttons. You know she don’t love us like she does that bitch ass brother of yours you need to cut her the fuck off too.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BEAST!”

I stood to my own two feet and started to pace. That voice Beast never spoke ill of my mom. I wouldn’t let that happen.

“Let him come on out! Let him tell me what the fuck he has to say! That I’m only looking out for your best interest!” She screamed at the top of her lungs. My chest started to hurt and I fought like hell to keep him at bay. I didn’t want to take a back seat to Beast but he made it harder than ever like the last time. Everything went black. Then it felt like I was stuck in a dream watching my mom eyes go in shock.

“You want to hear from me well here the fuck I am lady!”

I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was a kid. My mom was just like half of these other gold-digging bitches not giving a fuck about nothing but that almighty dollar. Praise controlled me for far too long and one thing I could agree to was that we were one. Praise despised his own self so much it split us into two. I was always there, and we used to move as one. Until this selfish bitch in front of me start pushing all types of pills down my throat. She used to even slip sleeping pills and liquid and my juice at night. All that catering to Michael's bitch ass is what turned him into a pussy. I loved my mom to a certain extent, like her giving birth and creating me. She took care of me until I start taking care of her and Michael's ass at a young age. She still had the nerve to look down on me and talk to me any kind of way. Like I wasn’t human like I was some nut case.

“Don’t you dare speak to me that way!”