Page 79 of A Capo’s Love: Featuring A Don’s Love

Heat crawled up my spine embarrassingly fast. I was speechless as hell because I realized that I always remained in control with all aspects of entertaining a man… even down to the sex. Royal wasn’t having it from jump. It was interesting as hell to me how I easily fell in line while talking shit to him.

I looked down, pretending to focus on my food. Because honestly… nobody ever treated me like this before, and it was a lot to process. I felt super feminine and dainty around Royal. The desire he had for me lingered in his eyes when he talked to me. This man gave me butterflies, not roaches like most men did.

There was something deeply attractive about a man secure enough in himself to let me have a voice without turning it into a competition. He wasn’t dismissive either, just sure of himself when he was around me in a way that made me feel safe enough to unclench parts of me that had been tense for years.

“Tell me something, Breasturant.” His deep voice cut through my thoughts as he leaned back slightly studying me in that calm observant way of his.

“Tell you what?” I asked, feeling my stomach tighten.

“Something that bothers you.” He pointed. “But you try not to let it.”

The question caught me completely off guard. It seemed random, mixed with a deeper reasoning for him to ask.

“Why would you want to know something like that?”

This was an attempt to get out of even answering the question. My mind automatically went to one person that I tried to bury mentally but couldn’t seem to.

“We getting to know each other.” He shrugged. “You can’t ask me a question with a question… but… After you answer me, I’ll answer the same question… it’s a way for us to get to know each other and establish trust… I’d never throw some shit in your face just because you opened up and told me some deep shit… I hope for the same in return.”

This wasn’t hard at all. It was actually an easy question. The problem was the answer had depths to it that I wasn’t so sure I was ready to explore.

“I like the sound of that… I think…” I laughed lightly, trying to shake the seriousness of his question off.

“You trying to turn date night into therapy?” I licked my lips and smiled.

“Maybe.” He smirked. “You seem to through me, beyond what I display. I see glimpse of you but feel you, if that makes sense. It’s some shit with you Amaris. You defensive, heavily guarded…there’s a reason for that.”

“My mother never wanted me.” The truth slipped out like it was begging to be free.

I looked down at my plate immediately afterward, wishing I could snatch those words back.

“Look at me, ain’t nothing to be ashamed of.” Royal’s deep baritone voice made the sting of my confession ease up a bit.

“I’m familiar with ain’t shit momma’s… my biological mother and father never wanted me. I found the shit out through a confession from a third party.” He chuckled dryly. “Cold part is… I loved my biological mom without even knowing she was my real mom… I thought she loved me too. We bonded a lot when my brother was incarcerated.” His eyes lowered along with his voice.

“Royal—”

He shook his head and held his hand up calmly.

“No matter what.” He licked his lips. “We confide in each other right here and right now but don’t feel sorry for one another. Feeling comfortable to open up to a person takes a lot. Empathy is good… sympathy I don’t want. I offered that information because I see the shame in your eyes. You don’t got shit to feel ashamed of… that shit is on yo foul ass momma. Now finish telling me.”

“Okay,” I said carefully, finding it hard to maintain eye contact while talking about my mom. “My mother only had me because she thought it would make my dad do right by her, I guess. Throughout my childhood, she’d pop outta nowhere acting halfway decent off the strength of him witnessing it… then she’d disappear again before she thought I got too comfortable… I never did though… Every single time, I’d convince myself maybe this time she’ll finally stay and just love me.” I chuckled dryly.

“My dad always was there to wipe my tears. He hated how she treated me, he even saw that she didn’t really love or want me. He stopped fucking with her all together. She started to disgust him. My abandonment issues started with her…That’s why I grew up so attached to my dad.” I sighed roughly.

“That’s something that bothers me majorly… sometimes I think about her other times I force her out of my mind. I try not to let it but I’m human. I just learned to live with her acknowledging my existence through distance without ever really claiming or loving me.” I laughed bitterly under my breath.

“What effect do you think that had on you with other people?” He asked with no judgment evident in his tone or blank facial expression.

“My need to be in control with everything,” I whispered lowly.

The little girl inside of me still yearned for the closure that I’d never get from her. I didn’t even know if she was still alive because my dad lost contact with her. It mattered to me that my dad did his best to protect my feelings as a kid. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t still hurt despite the outcome and remained hurt by it, although I told myself I let it go.

It was easier said than done. Some wounds stayed active, breathing beneath your personality.

“You hate uncertainty.” He broke the silence that started to feel uneasy. “You hate depending on people emotionally because the one person that you supposed to be able to depend on failed you.”

I swallowed down the facts that he said before shaking my head in agreement.