Page 54 of A Perfect Disaster

I needed someone to blame. And she was right there, within reach. It was so easy to pin my frustration on her. It was so convenient to convince myself that if I didn’t get that promotion, it was because Maika didn’t measure up, because she didn’t back me up, and because she hid when I needed someone to stand up for me the most. Maybe some of that was true. Maybe she was afraid of jeopardizing her own career. Maybe she didn’t act the way I expected. But I did something much worse: I turned her silence into a condemnation.

And today, my mind has returned to that same dark place: if Maika is around and something goes wrong, I’ll end up losing.

“I’m an idiot. An idiot with an amazing knack for hurting exactly the person who deserves it the least.”

I get up, unable to sit still for more than two seconds, and walk over to the coffee machine. I press a random button and the machine spits out a dark liquid.

I grab the plastic cup and take a sip.

“Ugh, gross. This tastes like oil.”

I lean against the counter and let the heat from the cup seep through my fingers. The tension is pooled in my shoulders, and I have a throbbing headache. I should have hugged her, kissed her until the exhaustion faded from her face after the hell of Rome, but I chose the exact opposite.

The universe has a particularly cruel sense of humor. It corners me against the wall, snatches the procedure manuals from me, and forces me to face two truths I’ve been dodging for miles. The first: I need stability. The second: I’m still hopelessly in love with Maika. Even though our days on this ship are numbered. Because yes, things get magnified here, too.

Maybe I shouldn’t even be forming those words in my head. But they’re there, taking up a space that used to be filled with excuses. I’m in love with that laugh that turns chaos into an anecdote, with that humanity that doesn’t fit into any report and that, precisely, is what makes her a different kind of leader than me.

It pains me to admit it, but Maika is far better prepared, as a person, for leadership. I am calculating, efficient, and resilient; I know how to anticipate security breaches, draw up contingency plans, and keep structures standing when everything is shaking around me. But Maika retains something I’ve been losing contract after contract: the ability not to lose sight of people while saving the plan.

The door bursts open, and I’m so startled I almost spill my coffee as Gonzalo appears in the doorway with the look of someone who’s scoured every deck looking for me.

“I’ve been wandering around the ship for an hour,” he says as he enters and lets the door close behind him. “What are you doing down here?”

I look at him in silence. Then I lower my gaze to the plastic cup and fix my eyes on him again.

“I’m trying to hide from fate before it gets the brilliant idea to throw me overboard to make me disappear,” I reply with a touch of irony.

Gonzalo stands still for a second, processing my words.

“Okay. That was dramatic, even for you.”

“It’s been quite the trip, that’s for sure,” I murmur as I rub the back of my neck.

“I can imagine,” he replies with a sigh. “When the security officer disappears off the radar, it usually means things are going very badly.”

Gonzalo steps closer to me, setting aside the usual on-board banter.

“Tell me.”

I slump back onto the sofa. Gonzalo takes a chair across from me, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

“The inspectors from headquarters were infiltrated among the passengers,” I blurt out.

Gonzalo blinks, completely taken aback.

“What do you mean?”

“Arturo Valdés and Julianne Ferguson. They’ve been traveling as regular passengers on the Marine IV since we set sail from Marseille. They’ve been watching our every move.”

“So, we had two corporate sharks dining in the main restaurant,” he remarks incredulously.

“More or less, yes,” I reply, then let out a sigh. “And as soon as the group from Rome boarded, they called us both in. They evaluated the entire incident: the emergency response, the train delay, the coordination between departments… They said Maika improvised brilliantly and that I kept my cool by adapting the security protocols to her plan on the fly.”

“That sounds good so far,” Gonzalo observes.

“But now it turns out that the position I was aiming for has changed somewhat, and they’re going to do a kind of merger. A position they’ve offered us, and we have to compete for it.”

My best friend exhales deeply and runs a hand over his face.