Page 81 of We Shouldn’t Do This Again

“I’m sorry,” I repeat, but this time I mean it. “I’m sorry for lying to you for so long. For making you feel that our relationship… I’m sorry for failing you as a partner… and, above all, as a friend.”

Ingrid stares at me for a long time. The silence between us is filled with all those memories that no longer make sense: two years of working together until the wee hours, of spontaneous plans and trips, of soccer games on the couch screaming like crazy, of morning routines and nights filled with sex. Of a life that wasn’t a lie… but that didn’t truly make me happy either.

Finally, Ingrid sighs. Long. Defeated. As if she were carrying the entire weight of the world on her shoulders.

“I kind of hate you right now, you know?”

Despite everything, the phrase brings a sad smile to my face.

“I understand…”

She snorts, exhausted to the bone.

“No. You don’t understand. Because if you did, you’d realize that what hurts me the most isn’t losing you. It’s knowing that the person I’ve defended and cared for the most over these past two years has been unable to trust me from the very beginning.”

And she’s right. I never told her how I felt about Lidia, how important she’d been to me. I never told her what she really meant to me. I was never honest, not even when I was trying with all my might.

“You deserved the truth from day one,” I admit, my voice breaking.

“Yes,” she nods. “And Lidia, too.”

Lidia. My Lidia. The woman who probably hates me with every fiber of her being right now. The woman to whom I confessed my love just a few hours ago and whom I asked to fight for “us.” An “us” that may very well be dead.

Ingrid picks up her shoes from the sand and hangs them from one hand. She looks more serene now. No less hurt, just calmer. More aware that there’s no turning back from this.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you…” she says in barely a whisper.

“I’ll accept that if that’s how it is.”

Ingrid looks at me for a second. And for the first time since this nightmare began, I see something resembling compassion in her eyes.

“But I’m going to tell you one thing before I go. Stop running away from what you really want and be brave once and for all. Or you’ll lose her.”

I look toward the restaurant. In the distance, the lights are still shining among the palm trees, and somewhere in that place, she is there.

“That…” My voice comes out in pieces, “that is, if she ever forgives me.”

Ingrid smiles faintly. Sadly. But sincerely.

“You’ll make it. Whenever you set your mind to something, you achieve it. That’s one of the things I admire most about you…”

Tears blur my vision again.

“I don’t deserve your generosity.”

“No,” she replies. “But maybe one day you’ll deserve your own happiness. Even if you have to fight for it for once in your life.”

I want to say something, but before I can open my lips, she’s gone. I watch her walk away along the beach, small beneath the immense moon, her shoulders slumped slightly and her dress fluttering in the breeze.

I barely move a few inches. I don’t stop her either. This time there’s only one possible direction. The one that takes me back to the restaurant, to the pain I’ve caused, to Lidia.

I stand alone for a second, my feet sunk in the sand. I close my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths. Guilt chokes me, fear paralyzes me, shame burns my cheeks… but love—that love I’ve tried to tame, postpone, cover up, and hide for years, that love that still bears the same name—beats with precision.

I open my eyes and start walking toward the restaurant, knowing that it might be too late. That I might have lost her forever. That there might not be enough words to fix what I’ve broken. But I also know that, if I want to win back the love of my life, this time I’m going to have to really work at it. With everything I am, with everything I have, and with everything I’m willing to change.

CHAPTER 40

I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH IT HURTS