Page 70 of We Shouldn’t Do This Again

“Right now… I just want to be with you, Lidia. That’s all,” I reply, and my voice sounds hoarse, heavy with everything that’s burning inside me.

Her eyes study me intently, analyzing me as if trying to read between the lines of what I’m hiding. For a few seconds, I fear she’ll figure it out without me having to open my mouth. But she doesn’t, and in the end, she gives in.

“You’re completely impossible to figure out, Barbara… but I love you just the way you are,” she murmurs with a half-smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, filled with resignation and also with love.

I smile faintly, without joy, without that lightness I used to have before everything got complicated. But she doesn’t notice. Or maybe she doesn’t want to notice. Her hands reach for me again, and this time there’s no rush, no urgency. Just a deep, almost animal need to feel each other, to find ourselves again in each other’s skin, to cling to something we know is real even though everything else seems like a lie.

The night moves slowly between us, between gasps escaping our swollen lips, between caresses that speak for themselves. Between glances that remain etched somewhere in my memory, a place I know I won’t be able to escape no matter how hard I try.

While I hold her in my arms, while her skin mingles with mine in a slow, deep dance, while her breathing calms and then quickens against my neck and I feel her heart beating so close to mine, I can think of only one thing: that I don’t want this to ever end, that I don’t want to lose her, that I don’t want to face what will come when Ingrid arrives and everything explodes. But it’s already inevitable. Because the truth is on its way. Because Ingrid will be here in a matter of hours. Because time has run out for us.

I hold her tighter, as if I could hold on to this moment forever, as if I could stay here, in this remote bungalow in Ukulhas, in this exact moment, forever. Knowing, deep in my broken heart, that when dawn breaks, nothing will ever be the same again.

My hands slowly slide down her back, feeling every inch of skin burning beneath my fingers. I gently push her toward the bed, and she lets herself be led without resistance, her eyes darkened by desire. We fall onto the tangled sheets, and the kiss grows deeper, wilder. My tongue enters her mouth hungrily, exploring, demanding, while my hands slide under her light T-shirt and caress her belly, moving up to her breasts. I squeeze them possessively, feeling her nipples harden instantly beneath my palms, and she moans against my lips, setting me ablaze.

“God, Barbara…” she gasps, arching her back to seek more contact.

I don’t respond with words. Instead, I strip her of her clothes, revealing her skin, golden from the sun these past few days. My mouth travels down her neck, biting and licking its way to her breasts. I take one into my mouth, sucking hard on the nipple while my hand squeezes the other, tugging at it with my fingers. Lidia writhes beneath me, her nails digging into my back and scratching me with that mix of pleasure and pain we’ve always loved. Her legs open instinctively, wrapping around my waist; I feel the damp heat of her sex against my thigh even through my clothes.

I sit up for a moment to strip completely naked, and she looks at me with bright, hungry eyes. Her hands slide down my torso, tracing every curve of my body, and she sheds her underwear in an instant. Our bodies meet again, skin against skin, hot and sweaty. My hand slides mercilessly between her legs, finding her swollen, slippery clit. I rub it in quick, firm circles, and she moans louder, digging her nails into my shoulders.

“More… please…” she begs, grinding her hips against my hand.

I slide two fingers inside her, feeling her walls clamp down on me tightly, wet and hot. I move them in a hard rhythm, curving them to touch that spot I know drives her wild, while my thumb continues to press against her clit. Lidia arches her back, moaning my name over and over, her head thrown back and her eyes closed in pleasure. Her body trembles and she pushes, seeking more depth.

I can’t wait any longer. I position myself between her spread legs, lowering my head to her sex. My tongue licks her eagerly, savoring her salty-sweet taste, sucking her clit hard while my fingers keep sliding in and out of her nonstop. Lidia screams, her hands tangling in my hair and pulling me tight against her, grinding against my mouth with desperation.

I bring her to the brink again and again, licking, sucking, gently biting, until her body tenses like a bow and explodes in an intense orgasm, trembling and screaming my name as her juices wet my mouth and chin. I keep licking her, prolonging her pleasure, and then I move up her body, kissing her so she can taste herself on my lips.

She turns me forcefully, positioning herself on top of me. Her eyes shine with that wild determination I love. She moves down my body, kissing and biting my skin, until she reaches my soaking wet sex. Her tongue attacks me mercilessly, licking my clit with quick, precise movements, thrusting two fingers inside me forcefully. I moan loudly, clutching the sheets with my fists, grinding my hips against her mouth as pleasure shoots up my spine like liquid fire.

“Lidia… God…”

She doesn’t stop, sucking harder, curling her fingers inside me until I explode with a muffled scream, trembling violently as the orgasm courses through my entire body, leaving me breathless and convulsing.

We both collapse, exhausted, sweaty, and panting, clinging tightly to each other. Our bodies still tremble from the aftereffects of pleasure. I hold her close to my chest, kissing her damp hair, as silence fills the room once more, broken only by our ragged breaths.

It is at this moment, as I hold her in my arms and realize that we may never give ourselves to each other like this again, that the pain grows stronger. Because there is no turning back from this disaster, because tomorrow everything will cease to be sweet and we will return to that point where we cease to exist.

CHAPTER 36

SECOND CHANCES

Lidia

I wake up before the world begins to stir and long before the sun breaks through the curtains. The rays of light trace golden lines across the wall, glide over the bed, and end up caressing our intertwined bodies. I blink slowly, with that sweet laziness of someone who doesn’t quite want to let go of sleep just yet. And the first thing I feel is Barbara.

The warmth of her body pressed against mine envelops me and shields me from everything that exists outside of this, outside of us. The gentle weight of her arm rests on my waist, and her calm, steady breath brushes against the skin of my back with every exhale. I close my eyes for a few seconds because I want to stay right there, in this exact moment where everything seems to fit together perfectly. At this point where there are no doubts, no questions, nothing beyond this room, these rumpled sheets, and her skin against mine. Here, in this bubble, everything is fine. Everything is in its place.

Though that doesn’t overshadow the feeling I carry inside me, that knot in my stomach and that small crack that’s been slowly widening for several days. I take a deep breath, turn around, and stay there, taking in everything around me. The morning light glides over Barbara’s bare back, highlighting every curve, every line, every little mole I already know by heart. I feel like something is slipping through my fingers, something that doesn’t fit, that I don’t understand…

Something that has to do with everything that’s happening, I think.

I don’t know how much time passes, but suddenly she moves and half-opens her eyes to lock her gaze with mine.

“What are you doing awake so early?” she murmurs in a hoarse voice, still heavy with sleep. Her hand moves lightly over my skin, a lazy brush that travels down my waist and makes my heart skip a beat in my chest.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I reply softly, almost in a whisper, so as not to completely break the stillness of the room.