Page 3 of Burn For Me

I didn’t know what he meant by that. I’d been here nine years, and I was never leaving unless I broke out as far as I was concerned. The drugs made it too hard to concentrate, and the delightful buzz swirling in a steady stream of colorful sparkles made every muscle feel heavy. I assumed this was what it felt like to drink—not that I had a ton of experience with alcohol. Not seeing outside these walls since I was seventeen made it impossible to experience pretty much everything. It was always the stupid shit that I never thought I’d miss that I ended up longing for the most. I was trapped in a groundhog day of cafeteria food, crap coffee, no new movies, no phone, no friends, no sex, no anything new and only a few moments of the sun by a window. What the fuck was a normal conversation? I could barely remember what that was like without being told I was a sick fuck, punched in the face, or strapped down and drugged.

There were more voices and talking. My eyes slowly traveled around the room as my head swam around in the little sea of foggy bliss.

Dr. Wallace was speaking to someone that I couldn’t see, but then all the men left, and the room became quiet. The only voices left were mine and the ghosts that haunted the place, or maybe they were in my mind. I wasn’t sure, but I voted for this place being haunted because what I was seeing now…would creep anyone out.

I was used to this show, and calmly watched ‘them’ crawling across the floor, their twisted and mangled bodies leaving wet, bloody streaks as they pulled themselves closer. I always wondered why they looked wet. Did we all die and look wet forever, or was it just these tortured souls that were trapped in his fucking place?

They used to scare me, but now I realized they were the versions of me that never got to leave. They were the sad souls that this place broke and discarded as trash.

No, I wouldn’t become one of those disturbing images that lingered along the halls. They wanted me to. They wanted me to break and take my own life, they didn’t say it to my face, but their eyes said more than words could. What they failed to see was that I was stronger than that. I was stronger than all of them. I’d been conditioned from a young age to withstand whatever they decided to do to me. I had plans—plans that would see me outside of these walls sooner rather than later.

My eyes fluttered closed as I relaxed into the out-of-body lightness that made me feel free of the bed I was strapped to and the restraints that held me to it. The door made a loud clang, and I wasn’t sure if it was Jim on his way back to teach me another lesson or someone else. My head lulled to the side, and I peeled my eyelids open enough to see the approaching person’s legs and petite running shoes.

Hints of sweet lavender and tangy citrus filled my nose and made me sigh, the scent giving away who it was. I slowly turned my head to look up into the face of the only person inside these stark white walls that I liked.

“Hey you,” Adalyn whispered, her small hand brushing back the unruly mop my hair had become. “Why do you like to agitate Jim and the others so much? His nose is broken, you know. He will file a complaint that you’re violent and say you should never be released. He’s already pushing to have you found competently sound. If that goes through, they will move you to prison.”

My lips pulled up into as much of a smile as I could muster. I smacked my lips and tried to rid it of the dryness that made my tongue feel thick. “Assss hoesss,” I managed, proud that I could say anything.

“Well yes, they are, but that’s beside the point. Isn’t nine years long enough to be in this place let alone go to prison?” Her fingers trailed over the scars that lined the right side of my face.

I’d been so ashamed of them until she started working here, but her kind voice and eyes that never looked at me with disgust had melted the hardness surrounding my heart and made me feel like my scars were a badge of honor. I survived a childhood that most wouldn’t have and lived to tell the tale.

My head fell from side to side. “Thhhhy nooo mee oout.”

Adalyn shook her head no, and her brown wavy short hair bounced as she did. “I had a good case going that you were changing, that you felt bad for what you’d done, and that you should be given a chance to speak at your next hearing.”

She took a deep breath, gripped my strapped hand with her small one, and linked our fingers together. I shuddered with the connection. It was prohibited to have a relationship with patients, but she was the one thing that didn’t make me see red. She was kindness personified, and I marveled every second that someone as beautiful as she could like me.

“Whyyy soooo saaad?” I stumbled over my fat tongue, and like a miniature magician, she held a cup with a straw up to my mouth. She giggled as my tongue swirled around the straw, but the look I gave her was heated as I pictured her nipple in my mouth.

A pink blush crept across her cheeks as she cleared her throat and looked down. Her blue eyes shined from under her thick lashes. “I’m sad because they’re serious about having you transferred to prison to finish serving out your time. I was arguing that you were a changed man, but Derek, Dr. Wallace has all the ammunition he needs now to force you to leave, and then I’d never see you again.”

I could see the sadness as clearly in her eyes as I felt the pang of panic in my gut. I wouldn’t let them take me away from her.

I gave her hand a soft squeeze. “Nevvver.”

“You may not have a choice in the matter.” She bit her lip and looked toward the door as Jim yelled out in the hall about something. She slipped her hand out of mine and stood just before Jim burst through the door.

“What are you doing in here? You know you can’t be in here alone. He’s dangerous,” Jim yelled at Adalyn, and I could feel the rage that simmered bubble to the surface once more.

“Jim, look at him. He’s drugged to the gills and strapped down to a bed. What exactly do you think he will do to me? Besides, I still have to do my job, and no one was available to come in with me to check his vitals and give him some water.”

Jim shook his head, and I wanted to laugh as I stared at the white tape that was across his nose. It made me childishly giddy inside to know that I did that.

“I don’t know why you’re nice to him. He’s a monster, Ady…a fucking menace.” He pointed to his face. “Look what the bastard did to my face. What do you think he could and would do to you if given a chance?”

“Yuuze,” I mumbled and glared at Jim, his face going in and out of focus. I hated that Jim shortened her name. It was beautiful the way it was. “Woozzar.”

“What the fuck did you just call me?” Jim balled his fists and took a step further into the room, making me laugh.

“Jim, that’s enough. He’s only acting like this to get under your skin. You must see that?” Adalyn held up her hand and stood between Jim and me.

“Whatever, the guy is a piece of shit.”

He wouldn’t have dared to say that to me if I was free. The anger flared like a lump of red-hot coal and throbbed in my chest as I tried to stay focused on his face.

“I’m nice because I’m nice, Jim. Now I’m almost done here. If you don’t mind giving me a moment, he always gets agitated when you’re in the room. It makes it difficult to get a proper heart rate.”