Page 68 of Never Till Now

“That’s my favorite Christmas special.” I stifle a laugh but appreciate her wittiness.

“Well, maybe Santa will bring us new daddies.” She’s hurt, but there’s a hint of sarcasm that cuts through.

I bend down to her level and open my arms to offer a hug. Her bottom lip quivers and I feel my own eyes start to sting. She sniffles and shakes her head, trying to gain the composure that no seven-year-old should need. She fights her tears and refuses my hug as I witness new walls forming around her innocent heart.

“It’s okay to cry, Mallory. It’s okay to be mad at the world. What happened to you isn’t fair.” I take a seat at the bottom of her bed, needing to balance myself. “You, my little princess, are loved by many.”

“How come you never met your dad?” She walks over and takes a seat next to me.

Because the chances are my mother slept with him for drugs or she was raped.

“I don’t even know his name.” How age appropriate can I keep this? “My mom must have forgotten it when she gave birth.”

“Where is your mom now?” Her little hand rests on top of mine as my emotions make my tongue swell.

“I don’t know.” I swallow the lump in my throat, forcing my tears to not fall. “But I know your father does love you. Sometimes, life just gets complicated.”

“I know that he chose his other life over me.” Her tiny hand tightens around mine as her jaw hardens with anger. “Is that what your mom and dad did?”

“They did.” I nod. “But that led me to where I am today, and in this moment, I can tell you how special you are. One day, your father is going to realize he missed out on the amazing things you will be doing in this world. You are so intelligent and joyful, Mallory. Don’t let anyone, no matter who it is, steal your light.” I fight my own tears and fill my lungs to stabilize my voice.

“Sometimes life is better off without the people who don’t appreciate basking in your light.” I smile down at her. “You did absolutely nothing wrong, Mal. Your father chose a different path and doesn’t deserve your tears.”

She falls back on her bed and sighs. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have to beg someone to love me. I need to focus on everyone who does and ask them for more hugs since I’m down one person.”

“I’m sure you’ll get plenty of hugs anytime you need one.”

“Let’s go.” She bounces right back to her seminormal self, and I assume my conversation with her was helpful.

I follow her down the polished marble floor back into the kitchen as she moves from her mother to Max and Adam, giving them hugs while saying how much she loves them. Her bouncy curls and smiling face turn to me and she skips over. Her tiny arms wrap tight around my waist as I feel the joy radiating off her. I’ve never encountered this radiating joy directed at me.

“Princess Lauren, I love you.” Her arms tighten and I freeze.

My hands pause in midair before I rest them on her back. This child loves me, and I know it’s pure. My breath vanishes as I watch three pairs of eyes on me in the distance. Only one of them knows what’s going through my mind. My brain screams at me to repeat the words back to Mallory, but my mouth can’t. My heart rips in sheer pain, knowing she’s waiting for the response. Guilt washes over me as Mallory repeats the words again and all I want to do is curl inward and run. I know she’d never cause me pain, but my tongue is tied.

“I need another hug, Mal.” Adam waves her over. “Your last hug was too quick. I didn’t get to pick you up and spin you.”

She releases my waist and runs to jump into his arms. The anxiety eases, but this room is suffocating me.

“Thank you.” Kelsie locks eyes with me and whispers. It’s obvious she and Max are trying to hide their questioning faces.

“I don’t know if I helped much. Keep an eye out if things start to not become a big deal to her anymore.” I tuck my hands in the back of my pockets, feeling like my walls are coming down too quickly. “I need to head home.”

“Your bag is still in the car.” Adam sets Mallory down.

“I can grab it another day.”

“Lauren.” Adam’s eyes are wide, pleading for me to not take off.

“The weekend was fun, but I need to get ready for work.” I don’t have work until tomorrow, but Kelsie and Max nod, believing my lie.

Adam tightens his jaw and doesn’t look thrilled. I’m able to see a hundred questions pour through his eyes, but he respectfully nods and watches me head out.

I swear my lungs are going to burst as I hold my breath as long as possible until I get back to my place. The joy radiating off Mallory speaking those three words so freely to me, physically squeezes my heart. My ears have never heard those words unless it was from Stuart or Rachel, and hers was usually followed by the word bitch. I place my hands over my chest and breathe. This tactic is what my therapist suggested when feeling overwhelmed. I close my eyes to center myself. This is another learning moment. What hurts most is that I should have told Mallory those words back. That’s what a child needs to hear. They need the security and comfort from those around them. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words I’ve never felt.

I expect Adam to send me a text or swing by with my bag, but he doesn’t.

I pace my condo and wonder if I’ve completely been written off now. How fucked up can I be to lack humanity? A simple smile letting a child know they’re loved should be natural. I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from Adam again. Tears burn my eyes, but I blink them away and try to distract myself by staring at the city life through my window. I’ve made it this far on my own and keep succeeding. The only love I truly need is the way I treat myself.