Page 23 of My Beautiful Sin

Most of all, it was guilt. Because each and every one of those encounters could have been the last. The last fuck, the last kiss, my very last breath. I was risking everything from disease to psychos. Survivor’s guilt. That’s what they call it. I know, because a shrink once told me. I flirt with danger, because deep down I can’t believe that I’m still living when my entire family is dead. Because what the hell makes me so damn special?

For years, I’ve chased danger and it was okay. Because at the end of the day, I didn’t care about the outcome. Survival simply meant that life had more chances to kick the shit out of me. And death—well, that would repair the status quo, right? But now—

Now I have Devlin. And I want to have him fully. Completely. I don’t want to have to wear a condom. I don’t want that physical reminder of my past bad behavior between us.

Most of all, I want him to be safe, because I can’t stand the thought of losing him. Either because I’m taken from him, or because he’s taken from me. And I know that I will do anything—anything—to keep us safe and whole and together.

Steeling my shoulders, I get dressed and pay, then step out of the clinic into the bright light of day. It was the closest walk-in clinic I could find, and even though it was perfectly clean and sterile, I feel a little squidgy, which is foolish since testing is the smart thing, not the stupid thing. I wonder how many people like me don’t get tested because it feels so awkward to go into one of these places, like it’s a reflection of your own mistakes. But I’m glad I came, because Devlin is worth it. And I guess I am, too.

His name is on my mind as I lift my head and put on my sunglasses, and for a moment I think that I’m only imagining him standing there at the end of the walkway that runs from the street to the clinic’s door. Then my chest tightens, and I realize that it really is him. A hot rush runs through my body, a mix of shame and horror and anger. I let the anger fuel me, as it’s the emotion I’m the most comfortable with, and I rush forward, my hands clenched at my sides.

“Are you seriously tracking me?” My voice is heavy with indignation.

Last night, we set up our phones to share each other’s locations. With the social media interest in our relationship, Devlin thought it made sense. And in light of the creepy text message, there’s no denying that he’s probably right, and for more nefarious reasons than tabloid interest.

But I never in a million years expected him to spend his day monitoring where I go.

He holds up his hands, looking chastened. “It wasn’t like that, I promise. You said you were going on interviews, and I wanted to drop a file by.”

He hands me a thick manila envelope I hadn’t noticed that he was holding. “I had Anna pull together as much information on Peter’s various business interests as we have in the foundation’s records, then cap it off with whatever else she could find online. Some of it you probably already have, but I thought you might want to see if there were any names in there that you could get in touch with today. I meant to give it to you while you were at the DSF, but to be honest, after Lamar’s little chat with me, it completely slipped my mind.”

“Oh.” Considering he’s not exactly gung-ho about me poking around in Peter’s life, I’m a little surprised he’s helping me. But maybe he figures the more he helps, the sooner I’ll finish. “Well, thank you. But I hardly see the reason to track me all over town. I mean, tomorrow would have been—”

He lifts a hand, cutting me off. “I looked to see if you were in walking distance,” he says. “Nothing more. And I wouldn’t have come at all, except that the map only says this is a medical clinic. You were supposed to be interviewing associates of Peter’s, and I didn’t think they would be doctors. Although, I suppose he might have been trying to move pharmaceuticals. Bottom line, I thought maybe you’d been hurt. I thought this might have been an urgent care clinic. And when I called and you didn’t answer … well, I needed to come see for myself.”

I check my phone. Sure enough, he called twice while I had it on silent.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I want to stay mad at him, because it will shield my own embarrassment, but everything he says makes sense, and I do appreciate it. So I pull up my big girl panties, smile, and shove my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans.

“Yeah, well, it’s—” I clear my threat. “We didn’t use a condom. And I—I just wanted—I mean, if I gave you— Oh, hell,” I blurt. “I just had to know.”

I’m relieved to see that he doesn’t look shocked or terrified. On the contrary it’s obvious that he understands fully what I’m saying. “I thought it might be something like that,” he says, taking a step closer. “This morning, you were playing it a bit coy. You either had something else on your mind or you were doing your best to keep me hard with anticipation.”

I laugh. “Well, that’s a good plan. And we do know how much you get off on anticipation. But, no. I—oh God, Devlin, what if I fucked it up for us? I’ve been so stupid.”

“No. You haven’t.” He reaches out and strokes my cheek, and I can’t quite meet his eyes. He has to use his fingertip to tilt my head up. “Baby, do you have any idea how much this means to me? The fact that you’re doing this now, because of me?”

“Well, of course I’m checking because of you. Who else?”

“Oh, El.” There’s laughter in his voice as he bends and kisses my forehead, then pulls me close, crushing me against his chest as he wraps me in his arms. I pull my hands free and hold him close, too. “Whatever the result, we’ll be fine. And I’m glad you came. Because I want all of you. As soon as we know, I want every single bit of you, and I don’t want a barrier between us.”

My eyes prick with tears. “But what if—”

“No. No what ifs. We’ll deal with things as they come. And until then...”

“What?”

“How about I take you to dinner tonight? A proper date.”

I melt a little. “You said you had plans tonight.”

“Rescheduled.”

“Oh.” I exhale, knowing I can’t say yes. “I’d love to, but I made plans.”

His bisected brow rises. “Another boyfriend?”

“A wild three-way,” I counter. “Me and Brandy and Lamar. We decided to extend our drinks into dinner. I set it up after you said you were busy.”