Page 38 of Be My Summer

With his eyes still on the road.

“Who hurt you?”

His words extracted my heart from my chest. The bloody mess rested in my lap, leaving me without the privilege of concealment. Shame stripped me from head to toe. I was fully clothed and naked simultaneously.

I faced forward, struggling to maintain my composure. Things I’d tucked inside was unearthed. Tonight wasn’t supposed to be about her, but somehow it was. Just like almost every other night.

“Summ–”

“My mother.”

“Your mother?”

“Yes. The woman who pushed me from her womb and as her placenta was delivered, decided that I was no longer her concern. She looked my father in his face and told him that I was his to have. Motherhood already felt like too much of a burden. She didn’t want to restrict her world to that of a child.

“She saw more for herself. More than being my mother. More than being a partner. Or even a co-parent. She wanted nothing to do with the life she was building with my father. She wanted nothing to do with the life she’d created.

“She didn’t have a connection with me. Not even as I laid on her chest screaming, begging for her motherly instincts to take over and for her to cuddle me in her arms or place me on her bosom. She didn’t want me. Not then. Not ever. She made it completely clear. Even when I sought after her, I learned she’d changed her name the same year of my birth.

“Any records of the woman my father once knew ended the day I turned six months. My search ended a week after it began and I have felt a hollowing abyss in my chest since. Feeling unwanted. Neglected. Undesirable. Dark.

“Just like shit… It wasn’t until that day at the park– the day we met that I felt something there. That darkness– that hole– light was discovered. And, it’s been growing brighter every day you’ve been here.”

Saul said nothing. His grip around my hand grew tighter. Slowly, he lifted it to his mouth and kissed it gently. I watched the street lights dance on the windshield. So much was happening in my head while nothing at all was happening.

“Fuck her.”

Finally, he spoke.

“Fuck her, Summer. And, fuck everything she ever stood for that didn’t include you. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our blood but we can choose our family. This thing between us is new… it’s fresh… but, I know I’ve chosen well. If you have any doubts about it, I’m ready to clear them right now by promising you’ve chosen the same.

“While words are fleeting, my actions won’t be. I can’t undo what she’s done but I can make it better. The family structure you desire and have never experienced, I will give you that and so much more, Summer. In time. Just a couple summers… falls… winters… and springs.”

I believed every syllable he managed. In every chamber of my heart. With every fiber of my being.

“Just a couple,” I whispered.

Parts of me were mending every time Saul was in my presence. He was good for me. This I understood.

“Just a couple, baby.”

“Thank you.”

“No need for that, Summer. Save that for when I make good on my promises. Thank me with your time, energy, and everlasting love. That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”

I nodded, agreeing to the terms set forth. “Okay.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Glass started at the ceiling and ended at the edge of the floor I stood on. In the glare of the window, above the glow of the city, Saul’s gaze captured me. Small candles flickered around us, supplying light in the dark condominium.

Beautiful. His home is beautiful.

Behind me, he stood with his hands folded in front of him. His hair was freshly cut. His khakis were crisp. His shirt was more of the same. His scent lingered on my skin.

“Saul.” I cleared my throat.

I felt as if I would choke at any moment. He drained the moisture unintentionally. There was a thick glob of nothingness left for me to discard of but I needed saliva. I had none.