Page 271 of A Matter of Time

I scoffed, smiling wide as I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. “Fuck you, Sam.”

He shrugged. “Go ahead, vent at me. I’m ready—lemme have it.”

“You should care.” I took a breath, refusing to cry. “It should mean something to you that I’m yelling at you, that I’m upset.”

“Of course it means something. It means everything,” he replied sharply. “But the truth is I’ll take you venting at me all day and all night. If you’re yelling at me, if you’re mad at me, I know you still care. I can take anything but silence.”

I drained the drink the guy had bought me in one gulp and slid off the barstool. I was halfway to the front door before my arm was grabbed, hard. I froze as he walked around in front of me.

“Let me drive you home.”

I moved by him and took a deep breath as soon as I was back outside.

“Do you care that I missed you?” Sam said as he appeared at my side.

“No.”

“Liar.”

“Sam, I can’t do this. I won’t.” I shoved my hands into my pockets. It was cold and late, and I could see my breath when I spoke. “I’d have to be crazy.” I walked faster, hoping he’d just let me go.

He grabbed me again, yanking me around so fast I almost fell. “You’ve always been crazy.”

“Let go!” I tried to twist free, but he had me. The harder I pulled, the harder he held, unafraid of leaving bruises on my skin like everyone else was. All the guys, from billionaire Aaron Sutter to every one-night stand I’d ever had, would back off the moment I actually put up any kind of real fight.

Not Sam. He always left marks, and I craved that—the dominance, my submission, down deep in dark places that I didn’t show to anyone. I didn’t trust anyone with that secret, that desire. For me, true love had an element of drowning in it. My erratic impulses were all easily tamed with a steady hand, the person who said no. I poisoned relationships myself because that piece was missing, and I pushed to find the breaking point. I had liked Aaron a lot, and I would have separated him from his useless friends, made him see them for the sycophants they truly were, if I’d cared enough. But I knew, deep down, he didn’t have what I needed.

“I’m not gonna let you go,” Sam said, bringing me out of my painful thoughts, my longing for something I shouldn’t want.

I stopped straining against him and stared up into his face. “Just go away.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I repeated. “Well, for starters, how about that bullshit in the street? You think it turns me on to be treated like some piece of ass that you⁠—”

“Yes.” He cut me off, his eyes full of heat. “I think you get off on the idea of me making you do whatever I fuckin’ want. You’re dying to submit to me.”

I shook my head, trying to tug my arm free, but knowing, really, that it had nothing to do with his physical grip on me. It was the emotional one, the mental one, that I was tangled up in.

“We both know you want me.” His voice was calm, but the muscle in his jaw was flexing. “And I want you, J. With me, always—not just in my bed.”

I stared up into his eyes. “If you wanted me so bad, if I was so important…why’d you never call me or write me or send me a damn email or a single text? You left for three years, Sam, three goddamn years! You can’t expect us to just pick up where we left off after all this time just because you’re ready. That’s total crap! What about me?”

“I was gone. I was out of the country for two years, J. I didn’t talk to anyone. I⁠—”

“Fine. You’ve been back a year. You even said it’s been a year. So why am I only seeing you now? We meet accidentally at a hardware store and you’re, what, overcome with emotion and now you’ve gotta see me again? It’s bullshit.”

He grabbed my other arm and shook me hard. “I didn’t know what to do. I never know what to do about you. When I got back, I went to see you, and you were with that guy, Aaron.”

I was stunned. “You saw me with Aaron?”

“Yeah,” he said, letting me go, letting me take a few steps away from him. “You looked happy, and you deserve to be happy, so… But I had to check, and then I saw he wasn’t around anymore, and you…you give yourself away. Why do you do that? Why do you go home with anybody who asks, J?”

I looked away because I couldn’t tell him.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch you go home with a different guy every night?”

“See?” I shrugged, still staring off down the street. “I’m trash, Sam…why even bother with me?”