Page 50 of He Hate Me

"I want to ask you what this is?"

"Huh?"

"Between us, Deja," I say. "What is this?"

"This is a DTR, isn't it? I did not have this on my bingo card for today."

"Come on, Deja."

"Okay. Situationship."

"I don’t think that’s an answer. That’s like defining a relationship as undefined."

She shrugs.

"What are you hoping to get out of this conversation, Brandon?" she asks.

"That night when I spanked you, you were scared and crying. I thought I'd blown up any chance with you. Then I realized you were as turned on as I was. I thought we connected. So I asked if I could kiss you. The next day when you warned Mackenzie off, I figured if you didn't like me, you must at least have felt possessive.

"Last night was amazing, but after you went inside, I started to wonder what you really thought about everything. You used to hate me, and just because I can make you feel good…I want to be more than just a human vibrator to you.”

I look at her, hoping she'll give me the answer I need. I'm not sure what to make of her expression.

"You said you thought you blew your chance with me by spanking me. Does that mean you liked me already?"

"I don't know why," I chuckle. "You were so mean to me, but you were so clever with the insults. And you stood up to me despite being such an itty-bitty thing."

"I'm five-seven.” Right. Still inches shorter than me.

"So anyway, yeah, I liked you and after the night I made the video I needed you to be my girl, but everything was so fucked up."

"Why didn't you just ask me out?"

"Would you have said yes?"

She shakes her head. She would have said no in the most humiliating way possible. And not just because I was being obnoxious, but also because she knew without asking her parents would never let us date while we were living in the same house together.

"I need to think, Brandon. I know what you want me to say, but you are right about things being fucked up. You tied me up and recorded us. I’ve been nervous this whole time you’d show that video to someone.”

“Cause I’m beneath you?"

“No, dumbass. You know as well as I do what people think about a girl who gets caught on a sex tape."

“I would never show it to anyone,” I say, scooting my chair closer so I can pick up her hands and squeeze her fingers. “I don’t want to share you. If anyone else ever saw you like that I’d have to rip out their eyeballs."

“Wow. That’s intense. Here I thought I was just convenient pussy."

It’s so close to what I thought I was to her, I find myself nodding. I guess it could still be true for her—she hasn’t said otherwise. I don’t know how I’d deal with that. I want her for real. I’ve never wanted anyone even half as much as I want her. I want to walk through Briarwood with her on my arm and do cheesy stuff like take her to prom. And of course, I want to find out exactly how much pain she can take and what turns her on the most.

“If that’s all I wanted—“ I cut myself off. Probably not the time to brag about how many girls I could be with. “I want you, of course, but that’s not all it is. I want us to be together.”

“I need to think about this,” she says, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. “What would it even look like? It’s not like we can just walk around holding hands. My parents would freak. What if they found out and kicked you out?"

“They’d kick me out whether we were hooking up or dating. If I’m going to be homeless⁠—"

“Don’t say that!"

“My point is, what we’re already doing would be enough for them to want me gone. It’s no reason for us not to be more to each other. We’ll have to be careful, but not any more than we have to be now.”