Page 48 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

The night turned cozy as we put on a Christmas movie, but we mostly talked over it. It was easy to laugh along, feel like I belonged here, and I kept meeting Kam’s eyes and blushing in a way it was a miracle Cassidy didn’t catch on. I knew we’d have to tell her soon, but I wanted to wait for Kam to feel like the time was right. It was like Thanksgiving all over again, where I could imagine this being my life, but this time, I believed there was a chance it could all be mine. But only a small one.

Chapter thirty-six

Kameron

I’d woken up to the sound of someone loudly banging against my window, and I almost screamed when I realized there was a face. I knew Jack was coming today, but I hadn’t thought it'd be at 5:42 in the morning, long before any of us even thought about being awake. I'd negotiated with Cassidy that we’d start presents at 8:30, giving me enough time to both sleep in and warm up Nalini’s cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

Jack apparently had other plans.

“What. Are. You. Doing?” I hissed as I opened my window, my twin immediately climbing in like he was a teenager sneaking back into the house.

“You weren’t answering the door,” Jack stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Because I was asleep, and told you not to get here until 8,” I snapped, a loud yawn punctuating the sentence like it wanted to prove my point.

“Well, my ride was leaving earlier than expected, and I thought I’d surprise you. Honestly, I thought Cass would have everyone up by now,” he shrugged, closing the window and flopping onto my bed. I tried to ignore that he had snow on his clothes, and how it was making my bedspread wet.

“She’s not getting up for like another hour,” I groaned, staring at my brother lying on my bed with jealousy. “But since you’re here, I guess I’ll put on a pot of coffee.”

I’d forgotten Jack was a morning person — to the extent I knew he wasn’t going to need any coffee to get through the day, despite being up before the crack of dawn. But it was a relief to see him like this, full of life and energy — he looked so much healthier than the last time I'd seen him. Happier too.

Jack had disappeared by the time I’d gotten myself a mug of coffee, and I was afraid he was waking everyone else up — until he appeared dragging a bag of badly wrapped presents in through the front door.

“It’s not a lot, but I figured if I was coming for Christmas, I needed to bring something,” Jack sheepishly said, and despite us never quite having the twin connection everyone expected, I knew he was nervous being here.

“How’s everything going for you?” I asked, taking a long sip in hopes of waking up enough to attempt to match Jack’s energy.

“Honestly, I’m glad I checked in,” Jack smiled. “There’s been a lot of therapy, and I do not recommend detoxing. It’s brought up a lot of stuff that I don’t want to get into today. It’s Christmas, and I want it to be happy.” We were quiet, me sipping my coffee, my brother drumming his fingers against the table. His nervous tick that always popped up when it was too quiet for his comfort.

“So…” Jack finally said, clearly wanting to change the topic, “When’s Nalini leaving?”

“Today or in general?” I asked, trying to figure out what my brother was on about.

“In general, but she’s never been a Christmas person, so if she’s leaving today, I’m cool with it,” Jack nonchalantly said. “I just want to make sure she’s not faking an apartment search so she can to stay here. She’s always been calculating…”

“I know she hurt you, and what happened was messed up,” I interrupted. “Believe it or not, I know. All of it. Would you put the name of your ex on blast as a song anymore?”

“No…” Jack started, “What if she keeps you from wanting to do RaineFall again? Or give you ultimatums? What if she keeps you from…”

“Jack,” I said loud enough to get him out of his spiral, “Do you really think I can’t make decisions for myself?” That was enough to make him freeze, so I took the opportunity to continue, “It’s something Nalini is talking to her therapist about, and she’s not stopping me. I still haven’t fully decided if the band is worth bringing back. I miss us playing on stage, and I miss the way our family used to be. But I need this decision to be about me, my life, and what’s best for the people I love. And you promised you wouldn’t do this today, so drop it.”

“You love her?” Jack asked, catching what I’d meant before I even realized it. I wouldn’t tell her yet, not when things were so new. But now it was obvious: I’d always loved Nalini. Growing up, it’d been platonic. But after she came back into my life? That love bloomed into something else, and everything I’d ever felt about her clicked into place. It was a love that was beaten and bruised. It was a love that wasn’t at first sight. It was a love so different from what I’d had before — one that was just as special, nonetheless.

“Yeah, I do,” I nodded at him. Jack dramatically melted onto the chair like I’d told him I’d be moving to the moon and he’d never see me again.

“Kam,” he whined, “Why are you like this?”

“Has it ever occurred to you she’s grown up too?” I asked, “And she feels bad about what she did? Or that she’s the first person to make me happy in a long time?”

“Or that she’s standing in the doorway?” Nalini deadpanned, “Hi, Jack. I came for coffee.” I wasn’t sure how much she heard, or if she was just generally annoyed Jack was already here.

“Jack, I get you have concerns,” I decided to continue, getting out the peppermint creamer I knew Nalini used. “But this isn’t about you. And I’ve spent so much of my life making sure you’re okay to my own detriment. I can’t do everything you want, and neither can Noah. We need to be a team, and that doesn’t mean we’re always walking on eggshells to keep you from lashing out when you don’t get your way.”

“I’m not trying to ruin Kam’s life. Or yours,” Nalini added, “I just don’t want to be swept up in a press cyclone again. I want to have my privacy. And I feel like after everything that happened last time, it’s a fair ask.”

Jack took a couple of deep breaths as he drummed his fingers against the table, clearly trying to think through his words instead of saying something he’d regret. It was clear and definite progress for him, even if it included a long awkward silence as he figured out what to say.

“I know I can be really self-centered,” Jack finally said, his words coming out slowly, “and I guess it’s fair to say I’ve forced you guys to always give me my way. I’m trying to own up to that, and figure out how to be more cooperative. And I already promised to retire the song. I just… Nalini, I don’t trust you.”