Page 4 of A Bookish Story

“Didn’t Jessica also lose her memory?” I squint. How many times can they use this particular trope on the same show?

“No, no.” Abuelita points to her temple. “Jessica said she lost her memory, but she was pretending.”

“Ah, si.” This makes all the sense in the world to my grandmother.

“This way, she can stop the divorce from Manuel, the only man she has ever loved.” She clasps her hands to her chest. “He can’t divorce her when she doesn’t remember anything.”

It’s entirely possible I got my romantic streak from her. I still believe in true love even after my latest disaster. My parents had the greatest love story. He brought her flowers every day, called her “mi amor” and I caught them more than once dancing in the kitchen without music. That’s what I want. Nothing less than true love. The love of my life. I refuse to settle.

Even if my parents’ love story ended tragically, I’ve always wanted what they had together but without the sad ending. It’s the reason I write romance. Everyone in my books gets a happy ending.

I watch the rest of the telenovela with Abuelita, and promise her I’ll come back later to eat dinner with her and Eddie. But I need to settle in to write my daily word count on my latest vampire book. I’ve reached the proverbial soggy middle so it’s time to bring in more obstacles from the plot outline. These books are such fun to write that I’ll usually produce several pages before realizing it. Once I turn this book in, I’ll get the next royalty advance and be able to finish paying off the late fees on the wedding venue we didn’t cancel in time.

After getting halfway through my word count, I check email and find one from an agent I queried two years ago. The email, which not shockingly is a rejection, is standard for me:

Thank you for sharing your novel with me. You have a real gift for prose, and the characters jump off the page. Ultimately, I did not connect with the story the way I would have liked, so I’m going to pass. I wish you luck in your future publishing endeavors.

Traditional publishing moves at a snail’s pace but this is ridiculous.

At writer conferences I’ve learned this is agent-speak for: I don’t know how to sell your book. Even if I’m better off without an agent who can’t do what I need her to do, the rejection stings, even with compliments. It always makes me think there’s something I’m missing if the prose is good and the characters are fleshed out. Maybe I’m the problem. It’s the story of my life.

Maybe what I’m missing, ironically enough, is inexperience. I’m told by one of Desdemona’s former ghostwriters who quit to self-publish her own books, that rather than help, ghostwriting is something to overcome. Now that she’s self-publishing with some success, she’s had interest from New York. Apparently editors do not have a lot of faith in someone who writes a book when given existing characters with a back story, a decent plot, and a built-in audience.

Or maybe they’d just like us to stay in our lane.

The most frustrating part of ghostwriting is the non-disclosure agreements. No one can know anything specific about the book I’m writing, or even that I’m often writing bestselling books. For me, ghostwriting has paid the bills in an uncertain publishing landscape. Sometimes I think I’ve traded security for my dream but I’m comfortable with anonymity. My nightmare scenario would be a huge book tour and television appearances. Yes, the sales and peer acknowledgment would be nice but only if I can enjoy it from the comfort of my home.

There’s another email from my best friend in the writing world, Holly, whom I met years ago at a romance writer conference. She’s arguably my friend even if we see each other via the screen most of the time. It’s always been tough for me to make long-lasting friendships and it’s been a while since we connected because I’m feeling self-conscious about my background being a shed.

Like me, Holly has been writing for years without any success. Unlike me, she’s never tried ghostwriting and makes her living as a high school teacher. She lives in Missouri, so we only see each other at the occasional writer conference, but mostly online when we both celebrate the little wins. She knows I’m a ghostwriter but keeps pushing me to write more of my own books. I’ve written the one, and with all the rejections I worry the thing agents are not telling me is that my work is derivative and I’ve yet to find my own voice.

To: theghostwriter@hotmail

From: inthequerytrenches@yahoo

Hope you’re doing well. Just checking in. What’s your progress? Any more revisions done or have you started something new? Remember, start something new, and that way if you sell this one, another one will already be in line. I wanted to tell you I’m halfway through my latest and entered a contest. Fingers crossed because I’ll get in front of my dream agent if I final in my category.

Too bad I have nothing of note to report. Holly is always way ahead of me, filled with inspiration and a sense of confidence I envy. Imposter syndrome? That’s not a thing to her. She works all day, is mother to three, wife of one, and writes late into the night. She’s a powerhouse and I know one day soon she’ll be published due to her tenacity alone.

What am I supposed to tell Holly? As writers, we always present our best self to the world. On social media, we’re happy, joyful, and busy. Real life is another story, where you can often find me in a fetal position, munching on chocolate after my latest rejection. Nobody wants a photo of that.

Should I tell her my wedding is off? If I do, she’ll send me all these sad face emojis. I’ve had enough pity from my family.

To: inthequerytrenches@yahoo

From: theghostwriter@hotmail

All is well, though wedding preparations are certainly taking a lot of my time! Funny, I just got a rejection today from an agent I queried two years ago. Um, guess she’s been busy. All the usual lingo about how great it is but just isn’t for her.

Do you think they’re just lying to me? What’s the point?

It’s hard to feel too sad when I am getting married to the love of my life!

As I’ve said before, Chris is the perfect romance hero. I’m pretty much writing every book about him. I have so much material, it’s hard to narrow it down.

Is it lying, or is it fiction?

Sometimes I don’t know the difference.