Page 119 of Pride, Prejudice & Wicked Pleasure

"Very, very much. Nothing could give either Bingley or myself more delight. But we considered it, we talked of it as impossible. And do you really love him quite well enough? Oh, Lizzy! do anything rather than marry without affection. Are you quite sure that you feel what you ought to do?"

"Oh, yes! You will only think I feel more than I ought to do, when I tell you all."

"What do you mean?"

"Why, I must confess that I love him better than I do Bingley. I am afraid you will be angry."

"My dearest sister, now be serious. I want to talk very seriously. Let me know every thing that I am to know, without delay. Will you tell me how long you have loved him?"

"It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds at Pemberley."

Another entreaty that she would be serious, however, produced the desired effect; and she soon satisfied Jane by her solemn assurances of attachment. When convinced on that article, Miss Bennet had nothing further to wish.

"Now I am quite happy," said she, "for you will be as happy as myself. I always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, I must always have esteemed him, but now, as Bingley's friend and your husband, there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me. But Lizzy, you have been very sly, very reserved with me. How little did you tell me of what passed at Pemberley and Lambton! I owe all that I know of it to another, not to you."

Lizzy told her the motives of her secrecy. She had been unwilling to mention Bingley; and the unsettled state of her own feelings had made her equally avoid the name of his friend. But now she would no longer conceal from her his share in Lydia's marriage. All, save the activities concerning Trenwith House, was acknowledged, and half the night spent in conversation. Only when she returned to her own chamber, spirited from reliving the best parts of her encounters with Darcy through the retelling of it to Jane, did she turn her mind to the greater difficulty.

She briefly entertained the thought of keeping Darcy in ignorance, but a lie of omission regarding a matter of such substance did not sit well with her. What if he were to discover the truth by other means? What if, on their wedding night, he recognized her body? What if he discerned she was no longer a virgin? Such a scene was to be avoided. They ought not begin their wedded life with secrets. On this, she was duly resolved.

But, goodness, how did one broach a subject of this nature? It was not a topic that fell easily between the weather and dinner. Perhaps she ought to wait for his confession? His involvement was no less significant than hers. Did he have any intention of informing her of his role at Trenwith House? Or would he presume the past to be irrelevant? It was not necessary, and perhaps unwise, for her to seek the particulars of what transpired in his life before she had known him. Though she might be curious as to how many women he had ‘mentored,’ she would not ask to be privileged to such information. What mattered were his actions when and after he had declared himself to her. Since then…but his first declaration of love had actually been in April…in Hunsford. Since then, he had met with another woman—at the Lilac Cottage. That woman had been none other than herself, but he had not known it. He was only aware that she was a nameless ‘student.’

The realization dampened her elation of the day, but before she allowed to feel too sour, she reasoned that he had no commitment to honour for she had refused him—and in a manner that would have dashed all hope of attaining her affection. He had every right to turn his attentions elsewhere. After receiving such a harsh rejection, a lesser man would have resigned completely, gone to nurse his wounds to seek more fertile fields another day. To his credit, and proof of his devotion, Darcy had not forsaken her and, instead, increased his efforts to win her heart. She recalled fondly how amiable he had been when they were in Derbyshire.

But he had been equally agreeable at the Lilac Cottage. If he had been in earnest pursuit of her, how was it he could lay with another woman during that same time? Was his obligation to Abby Trenwith so great? Did he truly approach his responsibility completely devoid of sentiment for the student, as was asked of him in his role of mentor? But even Abby acknowledged that complete indifference was not always attainable. And he had certainly seemed attracted to his student. Could that have merely been affected? For a man who disdained insincerity, was he capable of such a performance?

Lizzy lay upon her bed, grasping her sheets tightly. Oh, what an unwanted epiphany was this! How quickly euphoria could be dashed!

In an effort to reclaim joy, she reasoned that she had no claim to his fidelity at that time. Perhaps he saw his actions as merely the fulfillment of a duty. She allowed he might even be a little attracted to this student and ought to triumph that her body was desirable to him. It was absurd to be jealous of herself. Surely his love for her was no less whole or pure because of a single night’s event. There was too much goodness in him for her to think him guilty of perfidy—and she ought to guard against forming too early a judgment as she had done to him before. There was no evidence to suggest he had any attachment to this other woman.

Lizzy considered untangling her thoughts by speaking of them to Jane, but her sister was likely asleep by now, and her concerns would only upset Jane. Even if Jane were to overcome the shock of her sister’s scandalous quest, she would only urge Lizzy to take the most positive and forgiving outlook. If only Abby were here! Lizzy decided she would postpone further thought till the morning and not allow the wayward emotions of a late hour to colour her reasoning. She closed her eyes, but a peaceful repose eluded her. A sinister doubt persisted until the light of day brought to her a means for putting an end to her concerns.

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

Darcy stared at the note. Without betraying his alarm, he asked of his valet, “When was this delivered?”

“It arrived by courier a half hour ago while you were out with Mr. Bingley,” his valet replied.

Darcy had gone riding with Charles in the early morning when the air was crisp and the horses could be urged into full gallop without the weight of a warm day upon them. He would have liked, however, to ask the courier who had commissioned the note to him. Abby was the likely author, but the handwriting was not hers. Perhaps she had reason to ask another to pen the note. She knew he stayed at Netherfield. He examined the note once more. It was addressed to him but contained nothing more than a ten word directive:

Four Horses Posting Inn, Meryton. Noon Hour. To-day. Final Lesson.

It must have come from Abby. No one else would send him such a cryptic message and refer to a ‘final lesson.’ He supposed she meant a final lesson with Miss Elizabeth. Abby would not have known of his engagement. Perhaps this was her attempt at matchmaking.

As his valet assisted him from his riding coat, he considered penning a response to Abby that a final lesson would be unnecessary. With happy tidings to report, he would have a lifetime to provide Miss Elizabeth all the ‘lessons’ she should ever require.

But if an assignation had been set up for noon to-day, no reply would reach Abby in time. He surmised Miss Elizabeth to have received a similar note. He could send a message to her more easily, but then he would risk drawing attention to her. He had no wish to keep her waiting at this posting inn—if she intended to attend. The prospect rather rattled him. He preferred she didn’t. He preferred her to want nothing more to do with the man who had served as her mentor now that she was in love with him. Though he could not fault her for wanting a final lesson before committing the rest of her life to a man whose skills at lovemaking she had no indications, the thought that she might be a little partial to her mentor made him stiffen.

Good God. He was jealous of his own person.

Yet it was a very real possibility. Many a student fell in love with their mentor. But the attachment was of a superficial sort and passed easily. Whatever attachment Miss Elizabeth might harbor for her mentor signified little. Still, he could not help being curious. He had resolved not to wait another day before baring all to his dear Lizzy. She seemed to return his affection beyond what he could have hoped for, but she may want nothing more to do with him when all was revealed. Though his happiness could not be complete till he had made a clean breast of his concerns, the joy he had experienced yesterday was incomparable. Theirs may prove a short-lived engagement, but he was determined to win her hand a thousand times over, if needed.

“Shall we make our way to Longbourn?” Charles proposed at breakfast.

“I think you must marry soon if you cannot last four and twenty hours without seeing your beloved,” Darcy smiled, though he felt every bit as eager as his friend. “I have some business to attend in Meryton, but the afternoon would be convenient.”

Satisfied, Charles bothered his friend no more till Darcy was headed out the door.

“Shall I ride with you and keep you company?” Charles asked.