Page 24 of How to Survive Your Own Death

“Especially cats. They have an abundance of soul.”

“Does that mean there’s little kitty reapers? Do they chase mouse reapers?”

“You are being silly rather than confronting uncomfortable truths.”

Accurate.

The day had been trying and weird. So weird. She needed a bit of peace. Not a lot, just a few hours of not holding a conversation with a skeleton who was completely real but only she could see. “Look, I need time to think and I can’t do that with you lurking. So much lurking. Can you go home? Do near-immortal beings have houses?”

“I have a home,” he said, his tone sounding offended for reasons she could not grasp. He must not like her kicking him out.

“Yeah, just fuck off for the night. Give me some space to process.”

“Very well, but you must read the handbook,” he said and tapped the phone that miraculously appeared in the basket.

“Homework. Yipee,” she said in the driest possible tone. Fine, she’d read it since she obviously didn’t have a choice.

Welcome, New Reaper*

*The term reaper refers to your duties and not your state of being. Due to the circumstances of your resurrection, you are technically a revenant.

She needed wine. Chocolate. A pizza. That latte she paid for but left behind at the café. Something. She couldn’t face reading the dead girl handbook completely sober and without greasy carbs. A frozen pizza would have to do.

Geri made herself an iced latte and used a heavy hand with the caramel. A splash of pumpkin-flavored syrup and a sprinkle of pumpkin pie spice and her homemade brew was almost as good as the café’s. Almost. The spices clumped together and clung to the side of the glass. Whatever. It tasted amazing.

Caffeinated and pizza in the oven, she turned her attention back to the ghost phone. Reaper phone. She was working on the pithy nickname.

The phone was a basic smart phone with the standard apps. Email. Text messages. Maps. Weather. At the bottom of the screen was a black box with a skull and crossbones.

Classic.

She opened the only email in her inbox.

On your device, you will find The Handbook for Mortal Souls. The original content has been modified to reflect your unique situation.

An emergency protocol has been activated by Reaper 8423 L0d3u5, endowing you with limited reaper abilities in exchange for resurrection.

Your twice-mortal body may feel strange and you will discover new senses. That is to be expected. However, do be careful! You cannot be resurrected twice. Any further deaths will be permanent.

Geri had to pause because wow. This email felt like when her parents scolded her for playing too rough and giving herself a constellation of bruises.

She hadn’t been playing rough. She was in that awkward fast-growing phase and tripped over her own feet. Twenty-five-ish years later and she was still sore at the injustice.

Emergency protocols will remain in effect until you have paid off the debt incurred from resurrection.

Your duties include reaping souls, escorting them to the next phase of existence, and opening the veil for tainted souls. The handbook will outline the details of your duties.

You will receive communications with the time, location, and name of the soul you are to collect. Do not miss your appointments! Do not try to intervene and subvert the death. Fate cannot be changed.

Reaper 8423 L0d3u5 will assist you until able to return to their duties.

We anticipate no complications as long as the rules as outlined in the handbook are followed.

Kind regards,

Management

Geri worked for a large hospital system, billing insurance and processing payments. It was tedious, her supervisor a micromanager, and the daily grind was something she learned to tolerate. Nothing in her years of corporate job experience prepared her for that email. It was cold and sounded as if Management found the very necessary act of communicating with her offensive.