Page 77 of Falling for Keeps

“She was outside when I got home, so we chatted for a minute.” She pauses, giving me a side-eye. “You know, she was my friend first.”

“I think Maven gets that title.”

Mom blows a raspberry. “I’m not giving up my claim. Not when it gets me fresh sourdough. Have you had her jalapeño cheddar loaf?” Mom closes her eyes. “Heaven.”

“She’s mentioned it. I’ll put in an order.”

“Oh, stop it.” She laughs, cutting another bite of her dinner. “How are things going with Emma?”

“You mean my friend Emma that I’m only friends with and nothing but friends?”

“Yeah, that one.” She pops open a Diet Coke and takes a slug. “You two have spent some time together, so forgive a mom for being curious.”

“Jen and I just got divorced.” Even as the words leave my mouth, they’re brittle and hollow. She’s definitely morphed into an excuse for me, because I don’t want to dive into my real feelings with my mom.

“A year ago. Yes, it’s important to grieve, but you can’t let that get in the way of living.”

I get up and pull a glass from the cupboard. “Marriage probably isn’t in the cards for me again.”

“You won’t live with me forever, honey.”

“That’s not really what I’m worried about.”

She sets down her fork. “What is it?”

I fill my glass from the tap and sit at the table again, wishing she would ask about the Giants. Or we could go back to talking about sourdough. “You’ll think it’s corny.”

“Then it’s probably corny, but I’m a safe space.”

My mom is the safest of spaces, and I know that wholeheartedly. But that doesn’t make this any easier to say. “Marriage means putting my trust in another woman, and I don’t have a great track record. At the beginning, with me and Jen, I would have bet my life we’d stay together forever. She was my person. We understood each other on a deep level and I loved her so much. Things have changed, but I’ll never not love her, Mom.”

Her eyes mist over. “You never have to stop. Jen will always be Penny’s mother, so she will always be in your life. Do you think I stopped loving your dad?”

“Ye—no? I don’t know. You were angry with him.”

“Part of me will always have love for him. He gave me my two biggest blessings. But yes, a bigger part was angry until I forgave him and moved on. I’ll never be able to be his friend again, but I don’t want him to suffer. At the end of the day, I got the better end of the deal, anyway. I got to keep you and Maven.”

“Why didn’t you find someone else?”

“I dated off and on over the years, but I didn’t want you two to know in case it didn’t work out.” She shrugs. “That ended up being a good thing, because it never worked out. I don’t have a grand plan to stay single forever, but dating wasn’t a priority when you were growing up. Maybe we all would’ve been better off if I’d given it more effort, but I can’t regret how my life turned out.”

“We were happy,” I confirm.

“Penny is too,” Mom says with conviction. “I can tell.”

“For now, but I don’t know how she’d take me trying to replace her mom. That’s another thing—I can love a woman, but that doesn’t automatically mean she’s the person I want raising my child. What if I meet someone and they don’t mesh well with Penny?”

“You know the answer to that already, Carson.” Mom gives me an affectionate smile. “If Penny’s an obstacle, then she’s not the right woman for you.”

Does she realize how bluntly she just boiled down my marriage? “I talked to Jen.”

Mom sits up now. “When?”

“This morning. She called about spotting a celebrity, thanks to her new boyfriend.”

“You doing okay?”

Am I? It was a shock, but until this discussion, I haven’t really thought much on it. A knock at the door stops me from answering. “I’ll get it.”