Page 55 of Falling for the King

Squeezing her hands she kept herself steady although her heart hammered.

‘It’s too late for that. You see I already love you.’

He recoiled like she’d punched him. Shock then dismay crossed his face, neither of the things you’d want to see in the man you loved. That it was Xavier twisted the knife deeper, gorging a wound she’d never recover from.

‘No,’ he said low, hoarse.

The last kernel of hope extinguished and died.

‘I do,’ she said the words that she’d never say at the altar to him.

‘I won’t let you.’ His eyes wild, his voice and body shaking. She didn’t think she could feel any worse but she did as she watched him come undone in front of her.

‘It doesn’t work like that.’ If only it were that easy, she’d tell her heart to listen to her head and then she’d be able to get through today, tomorrow, all the days to come. ‘You can’t plan how you’re going to feel about someone. Love doesn’t have boundaries, rules, nor should it.’ She was hardly an expert on love, but she knew this feeling for Xavier was bigger, scarier than anything she could’ve ever imagined. And that it followed no rule book.

‘I can’t …’ He ran a hand over his head, gathering himself. ‘I won’t let anything happen to you.’

Through her fog of pain his words registered even though they didn’t make sense.

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Love.’ His voice shook. ‘It killed Monica, that’s not going to happen to you.’

‘She died in a car accident,’ she reminded him as a different kind of fear grabbed her.

‘I’m not sure it was an accident.’

A lump of dread stuck in her throat; she pushed past it. ‘What happened?’

His jaw tense, he looked away and she didn’t think he’d answer.

He turned back to her, eyes haunted. ‘She was … angry that I didn’t love her. I’d told her that from the start, she knew it. She was the same, she’d understood, wanted that as well. Then she changed, needed more from me. Loved me. It made our marriage a nightmare.’

‘And on the day she died?’ she prompted when he lapsed into another silence.

‘We had an argument, the same one we’d had before. She wouldn’t have a child, wouldn’t even sleep with me again until I told her I loved her. Except this time, she’d added that she’d have a child with someone else and pass it off as mine. I could’ve handled it better. I told her I’d divorce her if she did. She stormed out like she’d done numerous times before.’ He ran a hand up his face and over his head. ‘I didn’t realise she’d taken a car until it was too late. She was never the best of drivers, never mind when she was upset. As soon as I found out, I followed her.’

He stopped.

‘Go on,’ she urged although she knew what was coming and wished fervently that the ending was different.

‘I found her car, her. It was too late. She was dead. I did that to her. And to this day I don’t know if it was an accident or not, but either way it was my fault.’

‘Oh, Xavier.’ She moved forward grabbing his hands fisted by his side. Unclenching them she linked her fingers with his and looked into his eyes.

‘I’m so sorry she died like she did. But you can’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. You can’t force someone to love you. That’s not love. That’s blackmail.’

His grip tightened.

‘I couldn’t give her what she needed and it destroyed her. I’m never going to do that again. I couldn’t—’ he shook his head, ‘—bear anything happening to you. You mean too much to me.’

But not enough.

‘You don’t have to worry about me, Xavier, I would never harm myself.’ She had to give him that reassurance while allowing herself this bittersweet moment of physical contact, knowing it had to be their last. Drawing on every ounce of self-control she stepped away dropping his hands and scrubbed at her face as a hateful, telling tear leaked out.

He didn’t look reassured, he looked tense … anguished.

‘History isn’t going to repeat itself. You and me, we’re not you and Monica. We’re not your parents, nor mine, or even your grandparents. We’re us.’ It hurt to say the last bit, there was no us and there never would be.