Page 4 of Untroubled Heart

“I still gotta look at the paint, but I’m gonna grab this one,” I say, placing the tag on the counter.

“Sure thing, sweetheart.” Jerry nods. “I’ll get it off the rack for you.”

I scan the colour swatches. I was going to go with something neutral, but now I think I want something a little more daring. I might come to regret it later, but what the hell. My eyes fall over every shade of orange, to yellow, to green, before moving onto a sea of blue. I stop when I find a smoky shade of navy. It’s both bold and conservative. Bright and reserved. I pull the card from the display and read the name. True Self.

I chuckle to myself as I look down at my daughter, still happily sleeping in the carrier against my chest. The colour represents everything I want for her: to move through life knowing who deserves your trust and loyalty, saving your true spirit for only those who deserve it, and hoping it’s more people than I ever had. I don’t want her to live a life where she feels she has to hold herself back. I want her to be brave enough to chase the risks, but she won’t have a hope of knowing how if I don’t show her first.

I moved from Trevally Falls for something new. To live a life full of excitement and belonging. It’s time to do the damn thing.

Chapter three

“Do you think my brother was kidding when he said we weren’t allowed to be home before midnight?” I ask, leaning across the table so Maevyn and Liv can hear me. “Cos I’m not sure how long my boobs will hold if I don’t pump in like, three hours.”

We started our night out with shots at a karaoke bar down the street, before making our way to The Wayside. It’s got good music, plenty of places to sit, and a fancy cocktail menu. Even though we all opted for a classic margarita.

Maevyn laughs. “I guarantee he won’t even notice the time. He’ll be too happy that we’re home.”

“You don’t think he can handle a baby for a few hours?” Liv asks, finishing her drink.

“He can handle it.” Maevyn nods. “He just misses me.”

“Ugh, please don’t.” I pretend I’m grossed out, even though I’m smiling. “I’m very happy for you both, but that’s still my brother.”

“Did you end up hearing from any of those jobs?” Liv asks, switching the subject.

I sigh, tipping my head side to side. “I’ve got a few interviews lined up for next week, but everything I find seems to have great hours with a long commute, or it’s close to home and a few daycares, but they want more hours than I ideally want to work.”

Caspian also messaged me this morning, letting me know Mum’s car battery needed replacing and she missed two shifts this week. He covered the cost—he makes good money at the tattoo studio where he works, plus he helps out at his friend’s garage from time to time—but it shouldn’t just be his responsibility to look after Mum. Sometimes I feel guilty for moving away from home, but I have my own daughter to think about. How could I do my best raising her when I’m weighed down by my mother’s heartache? Sometimes being strong is knowing when to pull away. I wouldn’t abandon my mother, but I also don’t want to be dragged down with the ship. I want to help her rise above it while showing myself I can do the same.

Maevyn reaches across the table, covering my hand with hers. “I know it sucks having to leave your child to work. You feel guilty for the hours you miss with them, especially when they’re so young, but trust me when I say, as long as you’re trying your best, they’ll love you regardless.”

Maevyn understands the struggles that can come with solo parenting. Thankfully, she had a best friend on her side and the cop who was protecting her identity. She was hiding from her past, and to her, that meant shutting everyone out. Until my brother forced his way in, of course. Now, he loves her daughter like his own.

“Thanks.” I smile. “I know it’ll be fine once I get started. It’s just the thought of it all that has me stressing.”

“We’ll always be here to help you,” Maevyn says, squeezing my hand before pulling away and picking up her almost empty glass.

“Okay, this is getting far too mushy, and we’re all out of drinks.” I laugh, sliding out of the booth. “Another round?”

They both nod, so I make my way through the busy Saturday-night crowd and join the line at the bar. Big bulb lights hang from ropes, soaking the space in a warm glow that bounces off the exposed bricks and beams.

I check my phone while I slowly make my way to the front of the line, making sure Westley hasn’t messaged me, but there’s nothing more since the selfie he sent when we first arrived an hour ago, as well as the one from my mum that I’ve ignored.

MUM:

Has your father called you? He said he’d be home yesterday, but there was bad weather overnight. I’m wondering if they were delayed getting back to the mainland.

I heave in a patient sigh before I respond, commanding the calm it takes to not only think about my father but acknowledge his existence in any way.

ME:

Nope. I haven’t heard anything from him since Navie was born. How are you, Mum? Is work okay? Cas said you had some car trouble this week? xx

I try to move the conversation away from Dad, to inadvertently steer her towards worrying about herself instead of my sperm donor. That’s how I’ve come to think of him over the last few years.

I gave up trying to maintain any form of relationship with him when my grandmother spilled the beans about my long-lost brother. If it weren’t for her dementia, we may never have learnt about Westley, the child my father had with his high school girlfriend seven years before Caspian was born.

Because my father was a teen at the time, my grandmother was involved in the adoption process. My father has always had one foot out the door in our family, but finding out there was more he kept from us was the final straw. Even Mum hadn’t known. That was also when I changed my last name from Knight to my mother’s maiden name, Moore.