Page 30 of True Colors

Finn isn’t prone to melancholy, but turning thirty has wrapped him in a layer of reflection.

I know he wonders if he’s designed to ever find someone to be with. Finn doesn’t date. He has sex—lots of it—his words, not mine.

He’s the opposite of me, who’s never had sex. Not because I didn’t want to, but because dating with an anxiety and speech disorder and a fundamentally introverted nervous system isn’t exactly easy.

In high school, no one asked me out because I was too much of a mouse.

At Stanford, a few guys tried, but they ended up becoming great research partners instead of more.

Even though Finn sleeps around and I don’t, we’re running from the same thing: intimacy.

We spent too many years without love, and then when we finally found each other, we clung tight and built thick walls so the world couldn’t hurt us again.

Those walls protect us, certainly. But they also trap us.

“We’re not at the end, Finn,” I say softly. “And we are already happy.”

He grins. “You’re right. I have a job I love. A home I love. I have you.”

“And a string of notches on your bedpost,” I tease.

He lifts an eyebrow. “Annie, I know you haven’t had sex, but even monkey sex doesn’t actually scratch the bedpost to make a notch.”

“Ha. Ha.” I roll my eyes.

We order another round of beers as we soak in the good weather.

We talked about his work for a while. Finn’s firehouse has a new captain—a woman—and Finn really likes working for her.

“She’s tough but fair.” He drinks some beer. “Doesn’t bark to hear herself, you know? She actually listens. Runs drills harder than the guys, too. Nobody coasts on her watch.”

I smile into my drink. Finn has never been intimidated by strong women. He admires them. He always has.

“The guys who were worried about reporting to a woman are doing okay with that?”

He shrugs. “They have to. She doesn’t let the old-school guys pull any of that macho nonsense. Makes everyone better.”

There is respect for his boss in his voice, and I’m thrilled that he’s working for someone good.

Speaking of which….

“Things better with the new asshole CEO?” Finn asks on cue.

I lift a shoulder and let it drop. “I guess. The guy keeps asking me to say things in meetings, and then I stutter, and then….”

“You become self-conscious and stutter some more,” Finn finishes for me.

“Yep.”

“And how’s the guy you told to stop helping you?” he asks about a conversation he encouraged me to have with Vijay.

“I know you mean well, but…please don’t do that. It rattles me even more and….”

“God, Anouk, I am so sorry. Thank you for telling me.”

“Since then, he’s been good at letting me take the space I need,” I tell him. “Now…if only my CEO….”

Finn stiffens. “I thought he said he’d give you more time and all that.”