Page 58 of The Shadow Sanctum

“Sex with a man.”

“Once. In an orgie.”

I open my mouth… but my knowledge of the perverse is clearly limited.

“Animals?” I ask, half sarcastic. Half reluctant.

When he gives me a mischievous smile, my eyes bulge.

“What?”

He just laughs.

I shake my head. “You’re right. You’re repulsive.”

“I’m adventurous. If you haven’t seen a woman get dicked down by a horse, you can’t call yourself adventurous.”

I stick my tongue out as I groan my disgust, and this seems to only amuse Sawyer more. He’s disgusting. But his confidence could fool a priest. I find my mouth curving as I watch him and feel tension leave my muscles. In a moment, I’m at ease—an impossibility I’ll never understand.

We are never so vulnerable as when we love. It’s rare that I give Sigmund Freud’s words credit, but he must’ve understood the strangeness this man makes me feel. As though my weakness cannot help but show in his presence. And he cannot help but accept it. Accept me. In the same way I cannot help but accept him.

The thought clears as I shift toward Sawyer. “So do you just have all the kinks then?” I pull my coat to my stomach and slip my hands beneath it. “I mean… You have a daddy kink too?”

His mouth opens, but he doesn’t immediately answer. Which makes it obvious enough.

“I guess it makes more sense for you to have a master/slave fantasy,” I hurry out before he can answer my question.

“Uhh…” Sawyer lets out a breath, his mouth working. “No. Not really. Actually, that’s one that I’m not into. I don’t like being called Master… Don’t mind being called slave, though.” He gives me a wink, but I feel something beneath what he’s saying. Especially being as it makes no sense.

I shake my head. “I don’t get it… You owned a sex slave island.”

“A kink island, Luna. I owned a kink island.”

“Where the kink was owning sex slaves.”

“No,” he says, adamant. Frustrated. But when his head shakes, he must see the contradiction. “Master/slave is very popular. Lots of people like that. So yes, people participated in that fantasy, but⁠—”

“But not you.”

“I did,” he’s quick to correct. Though I would have let him off easy. “I’m not claiming I never participated. But it wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because…”

She wanted to?

That could not possibly be his argument.

Yet, I angle my body toward him and latch onto every word. I may never understand, but I can try. I can try.

He rubs along the tendon in his wrist, back and forth. Grinding into his pulse point until he must feel his heart in his ears. “I do have a thing… It’s like a…” He thinks for a moment. “It’s like a form of voyeurism. I enjoy other people getting off. Especially with kinks because normal sex is fine, but… when you fuck somebody in a way that is their nastiest fantasy, that, for me, that does it. The look in their eyes, it just…” He inhales as his eyes close. “I don’t know. But that’s what I had on the island. There was a party room at the manor where people could fuck or watch without shame. Fantasies were unlimited, participation was encouraged, and nothing was forbidden provided all parties enjoy the experience. And the women did enjoy it, whether you believe that or not.”

His tone turns defensive at the end. I watch him retreat in his body language, his shoulders subtly pulling in, his hips leaning away, torso twisting to face the moon. He braces himself for my judgment like he fears it. And while I truly feel as though he deserves the condemnation for his selfish, greedy choices, for the very first time, I question how it could be possible.

How could this man have committed such a gross crime? This man who offers me kindness and endless understanding. Who came back for me not once, but twice when his guilt was too much to leave me behind.

“Why did you do it?” I ask, my voice soft. Cautious.

Seconds pass while he ponders. He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He hunches forward and rubs his forehead with the heel of his palm, eyes closing. “I mean, I fucked up. I know I did. But it wasn’t like what you think. I wasn’t some fucking monster who set out to destroy people’s lives.”

“I know you weren’t.”