Page 105 of Left In The Dark

This is our fourth session, and he went over trauma bonding for the first ten minutes. Is that what Logan and I were? Was it nothing more than that? It felt like more. It still does.

“Blake, if you’re not feeling well, we can always continue this another day.”

I look up, meeting his stare. “I . . . sorry. I go away sometimes.”

“Where to?” He straightens his glasses.

“Back to that basement with him.” Except its a barn, not a basement.

His features twist. “You want to talk about it some more? You might feel better if you do.”

I shake my head. “I think I’m getting tired.”

He frowns. “Okay. We’ll cut this session ten minutes short, then, and may I make a suggestion? If you’re struggling to get what happened to you out in words, maybe try using a journal.”

“Yeah. I’ll try that. Thanks.”

“Get some rest and I’ll see you next time.”

He ends the call first and I pull up the search engine, typing in “trauma bond.” I read different articles on it and lift the cursor to a highlighted word that sticks out to me. Stockholm.

Everyone I read about who’s had it sounds like me. They grew an unhealthy attachment to their captor after learning to lean on them for everything. My stomach lurches and I slam my laptop closed. No, that’s not us. They made it sound awful, and we’re a lot of things but that isn’t what we are. But it would explain why all I can think and dream about is him. It’s killing me inside to think what we had might not have been real.

I wrap my arms around myself, rocking forward, and a hand on my shoulder stops me. My sister is looking at me with worry in her eyes. “The session over?”

“Yeah. It was a hard one today.”

She nods, sitting beside me. “You think it’s helping?”

I shrug, looking away from her. “Maybe.”

“It’s only been four sessions, so maybe you need to give it time. You’re an amazing guy, Blake. I know you’ll get through this.”

“Yeah.” I rub at the back of my neck, freezing when Hayden shows up on TV. I tense, swallowing hard, and my sister notices a change in my expression, quickly turning it off.

“I’m sorry. I thought I turned it off earlier, but it looks like I only muted it.”

“It’s okay.” I pat her shoulder. “You don’t have to keep tiptoeing around me. I’m tougher than I look.”

“I know.” She presses a kiss to my cheek and I pull her into a hug.

“Thanks for always being here.”

“Of course. I’m your big sister. I’ll always be here when you need me.”

Not like he was. No one could ever be here for me like him, and as long as the words keep coming from all the wrong people, it’ll never be enough.

Thirty-Eight

Blake

I show up at the bar, needing to be somewhere he’s been. I tried to stay away, but I think it’s making things worse. I miss seeing him, and I tell myself it’ll help get me by a little longer once I do. But then when I go to order a drink, he’s sitting at one of the stools next to someone else. There’s a redhead touching him and making flirty eyes. Logan laughs, leaning closer, and it doesn’t matter how close I get, he doesn’t see me.

More laughter comes from him and he sips his drink as the man he’s with runs his fingers up his leg, and I don’t stay to see how far Logan lets him take it. My heart can’t handle it. It’s already running on empty as it is and this might drain every bit of hope I have left.

I haul ass out the front door, sulking behind the building, pressing myself harder against the wall to stop from going back inside. I don’t know what I’ll do if I see them again. My heart is already splitting in two and will fully disintegrate into nothing if I call out his name and he still keeps looking at someone else.

I cry into my hands, not paying attention to anything around me until someone is breathing heavily only inches away. As I lift my head, a needle is shoved into my neck, and the man standing next to me in a black ski mask fades away along with everything else around me. I’m only able to get out one single word before it does.