Page 70 of Bond of Passion

Chapter 23

Tavin steeled himself against the horror in Deja’s expression, and worse, the horror coming through the bond. He had no idea why he’d felt the need to confess everything to her, and now he was paying for just letting it fly.

Maybe he’d wanted to see her dismay. Maybe he’d wanted to throw up a wall between them. Because the truth was that he was falling for her. Harder and faster than he ever would have thought possible. He wanted that. Wanted her. But he didn’t deserve her. He wasn’t sure when his self-imposed penance would end, but he knew it wasn’t today.

This conversation would require something far stronger than coffee.

He wheeled around and yanked open the fridge. He needed a drink. A stiff one, infused with ashleech so he could get shit-faced drunk.

Deja slapped her hand on the counter. “You don’t get to drop a bombshell like that and then turn away from the fallout.”

Her disgust and outrage joined with his anger at himself and, forgetting the drink, he rounded on her with a snarl. “What do you want, Deja? You want me to tell you all the dirty details? You want me to tell you that I loved Gristlen more than I’d ever loved anyone? That killing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Do you—?”

“Bullshit!” she shouted, and he stepped back from the force of her fury. “How can you kill someone you love? I’d actually understand it if you were hired to do it, but if you loved her—”

“I was hired to kill her!” he shouted back. “I was supposed to kill her, but I fell in love with her.”

Eyes flaring in shock he felt all the way to his marrow, she sat heavily back in her chair. “You were hired?” She shook her head, her silver hair slapping against cheeks that had gone pale. “By who?”

“They never tell us that.”

“Right,” she said, clearly shaken. The reality of what he’d been seemed to finally be hitting her. And maybe the reality that she was mated to a monster too. “Of course. But if you were hired, why didn’t you just…not do it? I mean, I know you told me there were penalties and stuff, but if you really loved her, why didn’t you even try?”

He jammed his fingers through his hair in frustration. He didn’t want to relive any of this, but maybe it was time to get it all out. Confront it like the demon it was. They were mated, after all, and he had a lot of baggage to unpack.

“I tried to get out of it. I tried buying out the contract. I even tried moving her. Hiding her.”

He’d told her they were going on a trip, and she’d believed it. He’d taken her to all the best vacation spots in Sheoul, as well as low-population places in the human realm. As a Neethul, she was invisible to most human eyes unless she wished to be visible, but he’d still wanted to stay away from population centers, which were full of Aegis demon slayers who could see demons.

But,eventually, Deth’s backup assassins closed in, and the horrible eventuality of what would happen to them drove his final destination with her.

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

“How do you know I didn’t?”

He felt a curious, brief flutter of alarm through the bond. “Did you?”

He stared down at his bowl of whipped eggs, his appetite as dead as Gristlen. “I didn’t want to scare her. I know I should have.”

“Damned straight, you should have. You should have let her try to save herself. You should have warned her.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” He looked across the island at her, hating the accusation in her eyes that reflected his. He hated himself for what he’d done. “Don’t you think I’ve spent every fucking quiet moment reliving what I did? Asking myself what I could have done?” He shook his head. “I kept making excuses to my boss. Asking for more time. I told him she went into hiding and I couldn’t find her. He just sent more assassins. I even killed one of them to keep her safe.”

A trace of surprise and maybe…admiration?...came from her. “You killed an assassin? From your own den?” At his nod, she idly traced the rim of her coffee mug with her finger. “Wow. So how did it happen that you killed her?”

He really didn’t want to go there. He had nightmares about it, and he didn’t want to bring that memory into his waking hours. But he’d gone this far, so he might as well dump the entire ugly truth on Deja now.

“I got a message that they were coming.”

The message had come from an assassin in his den, a tiger shifter who had somehow known what was going on. Later, Tavin learned that, decades earlier, the male had been forced to kill someone he loved too. And because he’d tried to get out of it, the brother he’d attempted to save had been tortured to death, along with his entire family—including the cubs. The assassin had paid too, with castration and heinous assignments that nearly destroyed him.

Tavin took a healthy swig of his coffee to wet his tongue before continuing. “And this time, I wasn’t going to be able to protect her. They were going to take us both and torture her in front of me.” He caught her gaze and held it, wanting her to understand this. Maybe some of that understanding would transfer to him. “I know what they do, Deja. So, I did it myself, as painlessly as I could.”

Her phone beeped in her pocket, but she ignored it. “Did she know you killed her? When she was dying, did she know?”

“Yeah,” he rasped. “The look in her eyes…” He let out a long, rattling breath. “It’s something I will never forget.”

Pain flowed through the bond, and as she pulled her phone from her pocket, he swore her eyes filled with tears. She was taking this awfully personally.

She’s mated to you, idiot. And you just admitted that you killed a female you loved. She’s probably wondering what you’ll do to her.

Tavin had always been pretty good at knowing what to do in any given situation, but being mated was new territory, and he had no idea how to navigate this. Her pain drew him, made him want to comfort her, but alongside the pulsing ache coming from her was a steady beat of deep-seated anger that he’d almost call hate. And confusion. And a musical mess of emotions he couldn’t separate out or make sense of. Because when the hate-anger died down at times, affection bled through.

It was as if his heart was an antenna, and it was picking up country, pop, and heavy metal rock stations all at once.

Man, he would have to take Shade, Eidolon, Wraith, and Lore out for drinks and get some advice. The bond thing was complicated.

She looked down at her phone, and her gray skin went a couple of shades lighter. Deep in his chest, he felt her spike of panic as the other emotions got shuffled to the bottom of the playlist. “I have to go.”

“What’s wrong?” He came around the island and…and stood there like a fool. His instinct was to grab her. Hold her. Keep her safe from whatever was upsetting her.

But she stepped back, avoiding him. “It’s nothing. Hospital stuff. I need to go.”

Without another word, she pivoted and fled out the door.

Now he had to wonder if she was coming back. Because if she didn’t, he’d die.

And he’d deserve it.