Page 189 of Puck Me Back to Life

I walk until I reach the far side, stopping at the edge. I swing my legs over the wall and look down at the ground below me. I'm not ready yet.

I fumble with the cigarette box until I manage to get one between my fingers. My hands are shaking so badly it takes three tries to light it. The first inhale burns all the way down. I cough once. Then laugh, because apparently even falling apart comes with poor technique now.

I quit before training camp and yet here I am like a moth to a flame.

Smart decision.

Healthy decision.

Another version of myself must have made it.

I take another drag anyway and watch smoke curl into the night air before disappearing. Below me, the city glows like nothing terrible has ever happened here. Cars move through the streets. Office lights flicker in distant windows. Somewhere, people are leaving bars and laughing too loudly on sidewalks. Somewhere, someone is going home to a person who loves them and doesn't flinch at the word forever.

I wonder what that feels like.

To live without a ghost sitting inside your chest. To wake up and not immediately remember the worst thing you've ever done. To be loved and believe you deserve it.

My throat tightens.

Ash loves me.

He hasn't said it, but I know.

I saw it in his face tonight. That should make me feel safe. Instead, it makes me feel sick with terror.

Because if Ash loves me, then one day he is going to see all of me. Not the pretty parts. Not the obedient parts. Not the version that blushes when he calls me prince or makes him dinner because he doesn't know how to feed himself properly.

All of it.

The guilt.

The anger.

The ugly resentment that still rises in me when people say William's name too softly.

The part of me that listened to Noah call me pathetic and thought, finally, someone honest.

I press the cigarette between my lips and close my eyes.

Am I ever going to be free of this?

Free enough to breathe without counting reasons I shouldn't.

Free enough to hear William Grove's name and not feel the ice open beneath me.

Free enough to let Ash love me without wanting to punish him for choosing wrong.

The rooftop door opens behind me. I don't turn around. For one stupid, hopeful second, I think it's Ash.

Then Coach's voice cuts through the night. “Those better not be mine.”

I stare out at the city. “They were unattended.”

He sighs. “Hayes.”

I take another drag. “Fine me.”

The door closes softly behind him. Footsteps approach, then stop a few feet away.