Page 163 of Puck Me Back to Life

I went to practice.

I talked to Noah.

I apologized.

I did everything right.

Why does it still hurt this much?

Why can't I just…

Move.

On.

The sob that tears out of me echoes against the bathroom walls. I press both hands over my mouth to muffle it. Angela is next door. Ash is coming over tonight. I don't want either of them to hear me.

Minutes pass.

Maybe longer.

Time stops making sense.

I pull the razor blades from the drawer. I just need to feel okay. I just need to last until tonight. So I can show Ash what he means to me. So I can thank him.

I dig the blade into my skin, severing the flesh of my arm until I can breathe again. I drop the blade, blood leaking down my arm onto the tile.

The sobs crack through me as the pain slowly dulls my mind. The thoughts.

The one thought that I've been struggling to keep at bay for so long but is now banging on my front door.

And now...

Now I wonder if I should just let it in.

16

Ash

Ispend an embarrassing amount of time deciding what to wear. The realization irritates me almost immediately. I've played in front of twenty thousand people. I've been interviewed on national television. I've fought grown men on skates without my pulse changing.

And somehow, I'm standing in front of my bedroom mirror debating between two T-shirts.

“Jesus Christ.” I throw one back into the closet.

The other one wins by default.

Then I check my hair. Twice. I tie it back. Undo it. Tie it again. Somewhere during the process, I catch myself wondering whether Kai likes my hair down better.

I stare at my own reflection. “You've got it bad.”

There isn't really another explanation anymore. Not after this morning. Not after practice. Not after the look on his face when I'd casually announced to the entire locker room that we were dating.

I'd expected him to panic. Expected him to laugh it off. Expected him to tell everyone I was joking. Instead, he'd sighed, looked like he'd briefly considered murdering me, and then quietly admitted I was right.

“That's true.”

Just like that.