Page 46 of If You Like It, I Love It

Alone in our tent, I watch Enzo undress. Gratitude and guilt battle in my chest. I’m grateful for him, but I know I can’t keep him. I’d never be able to give him a complete life.

It’s one thing to make that selfish mistake with an animal, but it would be unforgivable to do it to a person you could maybe someday possibly love. If you don’t come to your senses before it’s too late.

23

Enzo

Joni enjoyed having everyone camp out together, but she was distant the next morning. At first, I thought she was just shocked that she’d slept as much as she did, worried maybe she’d missed something with Oliver. But even after she checked on him and knew he was fine it seemed like she and I weren’t.

I knew it was a risk, but when Sabrina suggested we all show up for her, it felt right. And like I said, she enjoyed having everyone there. I’ve gone over it in my head a million times during the past week, but she won’t let me come over, will barely respond to my texts. How did we end up here?

Oliver’s had some ups and downs, one good day, then a bad one. I understand that she’s worried and she’s doing everything she can; I just wish she wasn’t shutting me out in the process. She says she’s not sleeping outside with him anymore, but I don’t believe her. I know she’s not working right now.

Do I just show up again or do I respect her boundaries? Maybe I was being too intrusive. Should I keep asking until she gives in or is that just as bad?

“Fuck!” I yell across my living room, tossing the boot I’ve just taken off. Well, that made a nice dent in the drywall. That’s fine. It’ll be a few extra inches when these walls finally close in on me. Shit, I’ve got to get out of here.

I won’t show up at her place until she says it’s okay, but I can still go to Grin’s Pub. Mav generally radiates a borderline pissed-off worldview, and I feel like I could appreciate his cynicism about now. Unless Sabrina’s there, making him laugh.

I’m not sure being around a couple who are that happy together will do me any good, but it can’t be much worse than sitting here alone, replaying every minute I’ve ever spent with Joni.

My eyes scan the bar as soon as I walk inside. I know she’s not going to be here, but I can’t stop myself from looking for her.

Trudy’s behind the bar. She sometimes fills in for Mav. Joni used to bartend for him every now and again, too, but she hasn’t worked a shift here in a while. This place reminds me of her, but so does every other damn place.

“Hey, there, stranger,” Trudy says. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in the diner in weeks.”

“I’ve been in a few times but only ever see Merilee. I thought maybe you retired.”

“You knew better. That daughter of mine is about to retire on me, though.”

“She’s giving up her second job, huh? Good for her. I’d imagine being a nurse is enough.”

“Oh, she’s just trading one part-time gig for another. The girl’s a workaholic.”

“Wonder where she got that from.”

Trudy flicks a bar mop at my arm. “Quit making accusations. What are you drinking?”

I look over at the tap handles. Mav changes out the draught beer selections pretty often, usually as soon as I find one that I really like. “Let me try that stout before he gets rid of it.”

“I think he likes this one. It might be around for a while.”

“Good. What’s Merilee’s new part-time job?”

“She’ll be working for Glynnis, sticking needles in people’s faces. That stuff worries me, but she’s excited about it. Finishing up her training next week. As soon as she gets her license, she’ll be leaving Trudy’s.”

“She’s not going far. Just right next door.”

“A world away as far as the jobs go,” Trudy says. “But as long as she’s happy.”

This stout’s good. I hope she’s right about Mav keeping it on tap for a while.

“How do you feel about her and Derringer?”

“She might be the only one who didn’t see that coming from a mile away. They’re young. It’ll be whatever it’s meant to be.”

“Can you sell me some of your serenity?”