Page 41 of If You Like It, I Love It

“Prancing and pronking around the pen like his usual self.”

“Something could’ve spooked him. Coyote, bobcat . . . he instinctively knows he’s prey.” He stares at Joni quietly for a moment. “Or this could be the thing we talked about before. Stress from isolation. Either way, he’d be much better off right now if he were part of a herd.”

“What am I supposed to do, give him up? Or maybe go broke starting a damn rescue operation? Because it feels like you’re saying those are my only two options!”

“They might be. I know you don’t want to hear this, Joni, but if you really want what’s best for Oliver, you need to think about what you’re doing here. Sometimes our best intentions can still have negative consequences.”

Oliver has stopped screaming, almost as if he understands the conversation they’re having. He lowers himself to the ground between their feet like he’s about to stage a sit-in.

The vet goes on. “I don’t see any signs of injury. If he’s eating normally, I’m not so worried about his liver, but it wouldn’t hurt to do some labs, just to be sure. He’s not complaining when I press around his stomach, but it’s hard to rule out a gastric ulcer without blood work. You’re keeping up with his parasite injections?”

“Yeah, of course. But let’s check everything. I’ll do a blood draw in the morning and bring it in.”

“Sounds good. I noticed his castration teeth need to be filed, too. Do you—”

“His what?” I ask. “Did you say what I think you said?”

The vet and Joni exchange a look, and they both laugh.

“It’s true,” Joni says. “Male alpacas bite the balls off other males in the herd. They have special teeth for it.”

Dr. Abernathy smiles as he steps past me and says, “Don’t worry, big guy. Yours are safe. Probably.”

Joni lets out another laugh, and I take another step back from Oliver.

What a way to end the week: cock-blocked by an alpaca who might someday want to shear my nuts off with his special teeth. I’ve never seen him as anything other than a strangely cute little animal. I had no idea he had the potential to mutilate me.

Oliver stands up, and the urge to cross my legs has never been stronger. Joni scratches his fluffy face, and he hums.

“I think he wants your attention, too,” she says.

The bumper sticker on her truck takes center stage in my mind: Love Me, Love My Alpaca

I join her at Oliver’s side and scratch his neck, proving there is no limit to what I’d do to make this woman smile.

After a while, I ask her if she’s ready to go back inside.

“I’m not going back in tonight,” she says.

“You can’t sleep out here.”

“Who says? I own this place. I can sleep wherever I want.”

“You’re serious.”

“I am. But before you go, can you stay with him while I run in to grab a pillow and some blankets?”

“You stay with him. I’ll go inside and get that stuff for you.” No way am I staying out here alone with him after what I learned tonight.

I gather the pillows and comforter from her bed. I’ve seen other blankets folded in the top of her towel closet in the bathroom, so I grab a few of those, too.

“Did you bring every blanket I own?” she asks when I come back with my arms overloaded.

“No, just enough to cushion the ground underneath us a little.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, us. You’re not sleeping out here alone.”