Page 113 of Her Sloth

Anyway. I tried to find the right words, but I don’t have them, because I know I will rip out your heart twice. Because I broke our promise. And I broke it in ways that made me the happiest person on this planet.

I fell in love.

I love.

I love so heart-wide open it feels like I am losing my mind.

Her name is Amy. She has the most radiant smile. She’s also fucking badass. You would love her. She saved me from drowning and made me feel again; can you believe that? She made me fucking cry.

I promised myself never to have feelings again.

I broke that promise to myself.

I broke the promise to you. To love only you.

But turns out, you can love more than just one person, and it changes absolutely nothing.

Love is endless.

I know I broke our other promise too. Because what I am doing is something I have to do by myself. For myself.

I know you will hate me, but you can’t hate me more than I hate myself. And yet, between all this hate, there is just love.

Endless love.

I never stopped loving you, and I never will.

You were my first love. You will always be my first love. And Amy…Amy is my last.

Uncontrollable tears run down my cheeks at this point.

I hope you won’t do anything fucking stupid.

Meh. I know you will; you are one hell of a mentally unstable and overly reactive idiot.

A teary smirk steals its way onto my face as I read the line.

Whatever you do, I need you to know that I never stopped loving you. And I won’t ever. I will be here, watching over you. And I want you to get so fucking happy that I can hear your laugh through all five dimensions.

My tears blop onto the letter, because this letter is so Elise. It’s like she is sitting next to me right now, playfully rolling her eyes at me.

I know you will curse at me for telling you this, but yes, your mom sucked. She fucking walked out on you for a man and money. But just because she walked out on you doesn’t mean everyone will walk out on you.

Yeah, little hypocrite, you’ll think right now, because I walked out on you, too. I’m a selfish bitch, you know that. And I chose me. But I also learned one thing:

You can’t walk away from the real thing. You will know when it’s real. And when you know, you can’t walk away.

Ride or die,

Elise

The amount of tears that stream down my face by now is unreal.

“I hate you,” I say through the sobs that follow the tears. “I hate you and love you at the same time.”

My eyes shoot up as if she laughs at me up there in the sky, and I cry.

I cry and cry and cry.