Page 108 of Her Sloth

“You left because it’s all you ever knew.”

“Still, I left,” I say, a heavy rock blocking my throat. “I left when you needed me most.”

“I left you first,” she says. “I run, I hunt the thrill, I push everyone away, because it saves me from breaking into a million pieces. And I’d rather die than break again.”

A sinking feeling rushes through me.

She’s pushing me away.

She’s—

“I wanted to die with you,” she says and falls silent, grasps around my hand. “And then I heard you scream. It was so…alive. So real. Not the pain of the past. Not a ghost hunting me at night. You were right there. Fighting for me. And suddenly the hope for a life with you was stronger than the desire to meet the ghost of my past again.”

Warmth radiates through me.

“I love you, Cass,” she says. “And it scares the shit out of me.”

27

AUDREY

PLAYLIST: YOU BROKE ME FIRST – TATE MCRAE

If someone would’ve asked me if I’d ever take another woman here, I would’ve declared that person insane. Because it is insane.

It is insane that I took the woman I fell in love with to the place I proposed to the love of my life. Whose ashes, by all means, rest in peace at exactly this spot.

But the woman sitting next to me right now is just as insane as I am. She also has lost the love of her life. Which makes everything I just said even more insane.

I risk a glance at her; with her dark eyes and the typical hoodie, she looks at me with her big eyes, even wider than usual, because I have said the words that feel all sorts of wrong and right at the same time.

I don’t expect her to say it back. I am not even sure I want her to say anything at all. I am scared. I am scared to death while also feeling relief that it is finally out, even if it makes me feel worse than before.

I avert my eyes and stare back into the night of Los Angeles.

Being back here brings the memories. The number of times Hailey and I snuck up here, the times we met the family here, laughed and cried and danced and screamed. This sign here, it holds our dreams and fears, our love and grief, our friendships and family bonds.

But Hailey is gone, and I am here with Cass.

“I tell myself they would want us to be happy,” I say to take some of the heaviness of what I just said.

“They would,” she says and squeezes my hand. “Elise would. I sometimes hear her in my mind, telling me to get my ass out of the house and stop fucking making everything about her.”

I have to laugh, because I can hear that voice, too. I can still hear Elise in my mind, bossing me around as a five-year-old; she had such a strong personality, and her attitude, damn. It was the reason why I thought she’d be alright. She has always been so strong⁠—

Suddenly, the blare of a police car siren behind us, just once.

“Fuck,” Cass says.

“No worries,” I say, grinning. “It’s family.”

“It is?” she asks incredulously.

The official door leading to the sign opens with a rattling of the chain lock.

“Evening, Officer,” I say without looking.

“You’re back,” says Lorie as she reaches us.