Page 105 of When We Were Young

On instinct, I lift my hand to wipe her cheek, but she puts a palm up to stop me. She wipes it herself.

“Where else?” she asks softly.

I frown. “Where else?”

“Where else have you met the women?”

This part worries me because this is where trust would have to come into play in the future.

“I mean, work conferences, too, sometimes.” I study her to see if I should go on. She simply nods. “This part is going to be the really hard part.”

“That wasn’t the hard part?” she asks. Her breathing speeds up. “Jeez.” She glances at me. “Go ahead.”

“Before I met you, I had only been with my high school girlfriend, Ruby. And when I met you, it had been a few years since that. I wasn’t with anyone else until that night at the frat party.”

I notice she’s biting her lip again, maybe harder this time, worrying it between her teeth.

“It wasn’t your fault at all, but⁠—”

Her eyes dart to mine.

“Wait. Hear me out. When you told me you were choosing him over me, that struck me in the heart.”

“I meant it to,” she whispers.

“I know. You explained you did it to make me not want you, which is the sad thing in all of this, because none of that made me not want you. When we went inside, and you were with Landon, something snapped in me. I only paid that girl attention to start with to make you jealous. Maybe even hurt you a little. And I really didn’t intend for much to happen when we went upstairs. Honestly, I hadn’t thought past wanting you to see us go to my room. I was hurting enough that when she started putting her hands on me⁠—”

“I don’t think I want those details.”

“Okay. Sorry. Um, so you know how the next few weeks went before the holiday break. I’m so very sorry for how I behaved. I’m ashamed that I did something intentionally to hurt you.”

She doesn’t speak, but nods.

“Should I continue?” I ask her.

“Did you love any of those women over the years?” she says with a shaky, hushed voice.

“No,” I answer immediately. “Absolutely not. There were a few I was on friendly terms with, but that was it. There wasn’t room for me to love someone else.”

Her eyes find mine, and I watch them search my face.

“Over the years, that’s all it became—an escape when I couldn’t stop the pain I was feeling, both about myself and just life.”

“What do you mean about yourself?”

This is where I’m not sure if I can continue. I hesitate long enough that she’s the one who starts to talk again.

“You don’t have to⁠—”

“No. I need to. I need you to understand me if you’re ever going to trust me to be fully honest.”

“Okay,” she whispers.

I blow out a breath.

“I’ve struggled for a long time with this feeling that I’m not good enough for anyone. It was probably always there, but it really came out with the breakup with Ruby. Since then, I’ve struggled to see why someone would choose me over… over other options. I’ve never known how to make that fully go away.”

I stare out over the water.