Page 39 of I’m Dreaming of a New York Christmas

‘I swear on the battery life of my noise-cancelling headphones.’

‘Wow, that’s one hell of a pledge, dude.’

‘No one’s ever called me “dude” before.’

‘How’s it sitting?’

‘Nicely.’

He grinned through tight lips, exhaling through his nose and casting his eyes down. He was still feeling bad.

I placed my hand on his forearm. ‘Ethan, it’s fine. I’m fine. That – this – has nothing to do with you or the speech or anything like that. It’s just that this restaurant looks scarily like a place I went to during a time in my life I’d rather not think about right now. You weren’t to know this would happen – nobody was. And then I saw… the egg.’ I shuddered.

‘Egg?’

‘Yeah, I hate eggs. Like, really, really hate them. It’s practically a phobia.’

‘Oh, I have plenty of those.’

‘Eggs, though?’

‘Yeah, okay, that’s a new one on me.’

The member of staff appeared behind us, with a blanket and two hot chocolates in takeaway cups.

‘How you folks doing out here?’

Ethan opened his mouth to reply, but I spoke for myself.

‘Much better, thanks. Jetlag, mainly. Just needed some fresh air.’

‘No explanation needed. Your table’s waiting for you whenever you’re ready, but keep yourselves warm in the meantime, yeah?’

‘Amazing, thanks so much.’

‘Yeah, thanks, man,’ Ethan added.

Ethan draped the blanket around my shoulders, turning his coat collar up when he sat back down next to me.

‘Ethan, c’mon. There’s plenty of blanket for two here.’

I shrugged it off my shoulders and laid it over both of our knees instead, as if we were a couple of pensioners sitting on a seaside promenade eating fish and chips, fending off seagulls.

He moved an inch or so closer for maximum blanket coverage.

‘Thank you,’ he said, taking a sip of hot chocolate.

The sugar from my own drink was beginning to enter my bloodstream, along with its warmth. For a couple of minutes, we sat there in silence, taking occasional sips, the distant, everyday sounds of the city making me feel calmer. Yes, I’d had a panic attack – my first one in months. But the world hadn’t ended. I was okay.

‘I bet you really wish you hadn’t sat at that coffee shop table yesterday now, huh?’ I said, my heart rate now fully settled into its regular rhythm.

He smoothed the blanket over his knees.

‘Zero regrets from my point of view,’ he said, keeping his focus on his lap.

‘Oh. Thanks.’

Ethan finally looked up, making eye contact and smiling shyly. His gaze felt intense, but not in the usual way. It was as if he was seeing me properly for the first time. And perhaps he sensed that I was beginning to see him and all his mysterious complexities, too.