Page 121 of I’m Dreaming of a New York Christmas

But, just like last night, I couldn’t bring myself to believe her. It felt as if everything that had happened this week – and everything I’d learned, experienced and become – would be instantly sucked into the past the moment I stepped off the plane, and the relative drabness of my life before New York would envelop me once more.

I guess it’s better to have loved and lost than…

My thoughts froze at the unconscious appearance of the word ‘love’, and I physically shook myself out of my head and back into my body, unfastening my seatbelt the moment we were permitted to do so, jiggling every muscle awake to gear myself up for the final part of the journey.

Nearly home now, Flora. Alone time awaits.

We left Mum snoozing in the car while Anneka helped me upstairs with my luggage. As soon as I stepped through the apartment door, Jason leaped onto my shoulders from the breakfast bar, as if he’d been waiting there for this very moment all week.

‘Jay-Jay!’ I cried, removing the living, orange scarf from around my neck and tumbling onto the sofa with him for a purry snuggle.

‘I’m, umm, just going to see if Marcie’s in. To… get your spare key back, of course.’

‘Of course, of course,’ I said, with an eyeroll. ‘Hey, Anneka,’ I called, as she was halfway down the stairs.

‘Yeah?’ she said, pausing her descent.

‘Do you and Mum want to… stay for a bit? I thought we could watch Home Alone 2?’

Anneka’s entire face broke out in a grin. ‘Flora Bell, I think that might be the best idea you’ve ever had. I’ll send Mum up.’

It was mid-afternoon on Christmas Day and I was struggling to stay awake. Mum and Anneka had stayed for the duration of the film, but Mum’s tiredness and wish to curl up in her own bed had eventually motivated them to head home.

‘You could… come with us?’ Anneka had asked, tentatively, as they’d pulled on their coats and shoes.

‘Thanks, but I should probably give the cat some attention.’

‘Haha, fair enough. Well, see you next year!’

And then, at last, I was by myself.

I spent the next couple of hours unpacking and doing a couple of loads of washing, while the BBC One Christmas Day schedule played in the background.

Once I hung the final load out to dry, I video-called Laurie to wish them all a happy Christmas, although I could barely make sense of what was going on over there through the relentless sound of… cymbals?

‘Ben’s parents bought the twins a drumkit, Flor. Not even a toy one!’

We made plans to meet up in two days’ time, as far away from percussion as possible.

Until then, it was – at last – just me, the sofa, the cinematic comforts of New York and my heated blanket.

So why did I feel so antsy?

The obvious answer was that I was missing Ethan like hell. He hadn’t replied to my bland emoticon, nor did I expect him to. But there was something else that was gnawing away at me more deeply than romantic heartache. As I looked around the room and took in the peace and quiet – and endless damp clothes – it dawned on me what it was: I was missing the company of Mum and Anneka.

Over the last few days, something fundamental had shifted in our knotty dynamic. For the first time in my life, I could see them clearly – and they, too, could see me. And, even more significantly, I was starting to allow myself to think about how close I’d come to losing Mum this year.

The bombshell of her cancer diagnosis weighed more heavily on me the more I thought about it, even though the prognosis looked positive. But there was another feeling that was pressing down on me even more weightily:

Anneka dealt with it all by herself.

As Mum had said in that New York hospital, Anneka had wanted to tell me what was happening at the time, but Mum had told her to stay quiet, forcing Anneka to bear the burden alone.

And then I remembered what Anneka had said during our argument outside the department store, about how, from the age of just fifteen, she’d effectively been my co-parent.

I thought back to my childhood, and the role Anneka had played in it.

How her bed had been the one I’d crawl into after having a bad dream.