Page 32 of Life Or Death

Marlene’s eyes narrow, but she steps aside. I stride past her, my boots eating up the distance to Jess’s room in three strides. I cross the threshold, and the sight that greets me stops me dead in my tracks.

Jess is sitting upright in bed, her chest heaving, her eyes wild and unfocused. The sheets are tangled around her legs, and her hands are gripping the bedrails so hard her knuckles have gone white. A thin sheen of sweat covers her face, and her hair is plastered to her temples.

She shakes violently, and the younger nurse moves to her side.

“It’s okay,” the nurse soothes. “I’m going to give you something to relax you, and then we’ll count, just like we always do.”

My throat constricts.

The nurse reaches for the IV line, uncaps a syringe, and injects something into the port. I watch the clear liquid disappear into the tube, and within seconds, Jess’s body begins to relax. Her grip on the bedrails loosens, and her shoulders slump. A moment later, her head falls back against the pillow, but her eyes remain open, wide and glassy, her stare pinned to the ceiling.

“What can I do?” I rasp.

The nurse turns to me, tucking the empty syringe into her pocket. She glances at Jess, then back at me. “Hold her hand. Talk to her. Counting helps.”

I blink, not understanding. “Counting?”

The nurse nods, adjusting the sheet around Jess’s legs. “The first night she had a nightmare, I found her in here counting out loud, so I took her hand and started counting with her.” She pauses, her gaze softening as she looks at Jess. “We do it every night. It seems to calm her down. Gives her something to focus on besides the fear.” She meets my eyes. “But I bet you could do better than me.”

She doesn’t wait for my response. She just turns and walks out of the room, pulling the door shut behind her.

Just like that, I’m alone with my wife.

I stand there for a moment, rooted in place, watching Jess’s chest rise and fall. Her lips are moving, but no sound comes out. She’s counting silently.

I drag the chair closer to the bed and drop into it. My hand hovers over hers for a beat before I close the distance, my fingers wrapping around her palm as I fight the urge to lift her hand to my lips.

“Jess,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “Baby . . . look at me. Let me see those pretty eyes.”

Her eyes don’t move from the ceiling, but her lips continue their silent counting.

I squeeze her hand. “You’re not alone. Do you hear me? I’m right here, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re safe with me.”

Still nothing. She’s trapped somewhere between the nightmare and whatever the fuck is floating through her veins, and I have no fucking idea how to reach her.

The nurse’s words echo in my head.

Counting helps.

I swallow hard, my throat dry as sandpaper.

“One,” I say, my voice low and rough.

Jess’s lips stop moving. Her eyes shift, and after a moment her gaze shifts toward the sound of my voice.

“Two,” I continue, tightening my grip on her hand.

A small sound escapes her throat.

“Three.” I lean closer, my elbows on the edge of the bed. “Four. Five.”

I keep counting, my other hand moving to her cheek. Without giving myself a chance to overthink it, I give myself permission to touch her, and I brush away the tears with my thumb.

By the time I reach twenty, her eyes have drifted shut.

But I don’t stop counting until the sun comes up. Then, I creep out of the room. I stop at the nurses’s station, and Marlene lifts her head.

CHAPTER TEN