Page 114 of Rush

I’m just wondering when I’m going to stop feeling this way. Because being without him is like I’m slowly dying inside.

I’ve been trying to keep busy. So, I have thrown myself back into my painting.

I finally managed to finish the painting of me and Ares. I cried the whole time.

But it was cathartic, you know?

The final brushstroke was like the closing of that chapter in my life.

I have considered sending the painting to him, as I promised him that he could have it when it was finished. But that was when we were still together, and now, we’re not. I don’t know if he’ll still want it.

So, for now, I’m hanging on to it.

Although it’s in my hallway closet because looking at it makes me want to cry.

On the subject of things that make me want to cry, but more with anger…I received a call from Officer Knight, who had taken my statement about my complaint against Leo. She said that they had spoken with him, and he, of course, denied any wrongdoing. And they couldn’t check the CCTV footage from that night, as there wasn’t a working camera on the bar. So, it basically came down to my word against his. She apologized that there was nothing more she could do. I felt angry, but it wasn’t her fault. She was just doing her job. So, I thanked her for trying for me and hung up.

My dad was not happy when I told him. His exact words were, “That’s fucking bullshit.”

Then, he ranted a little, and I let him. Honestly, it’s nice to see him showing me that he cares about me even if it did take such a shitty thing to happen for him to start doing so.

Do I want to drink?

More than anything.

I’ve had bad days, but I’ve handled them.

As well as painting, I’ve gotten back into my yoga. I let it slide a little when Ares and I started dating.

Now that I’m single…I’m reverting to life pre-Ares, just not as desperately pathetic.

Okay, it’s a little pathetic. I’ve gotten reacquainted with my good buddy Netflix.

I’ve still got Dexter on there, waiting for me to watch the next episode…but it wouldn’t feel right, watching it without Ares sitting here beside me. So, I removed it from my list.

Maybe, one day, I’ll be able to watch it alone.

But that day isn’t today—or anytime soon.

But I’m not being a total loser all the time. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my dad. Okay, that is sad. But I think he’s trying to make things up to me, all his past failings, and I’m more than happy to let him.

He’s the only family I’ve got left.

I also spoke to Luke. He called and apologized for telling Ares what had really happened to me that night.

But I understood. He cares about me as a friend, and honestly, when you don’t have that many people who care about you, you hold on to the ones you do have.

Ares cares about you, that annoying voice in my head whispers.

Yeah, well, if he did really care, then he would’ve believed me when I told him the truth.

And, now, I’m arguing with myself.

Great.

I push open the door to the art store. I’ve run out of a few oil colors and need to stock up.

I walk inside, smiling at the girl behind the counter. Her hair is long and dyed different colors, like unicorn hair.