Page 114 of Under Her

“How do you know?” she bats back at me.

“Because I know you. I let the evidence override what I’d already known—that you would never do something like that to the company…to me.”

“How do you know that? You’ve only known me for a month.”

“I’ve known you for thirteen years. We might have spent most of those years apart, but I knew you in college, and I know you now.”

She laughs, and it sounds bitter. “You didn’t know me in college.”

“Actually, no, you’re right. I didn’t know all of you in college, not like I do now. Back then, I only knew what you allowed me to know. And I know that’s my fault, too.”

A question flickers in her eyes, so I answer, “Your friend Joely came to see me yesterday.” I see a multitude of emotions cross her face, one of them worry.

“What did she say to you?”

“Things I needed to hear. And some things that you should have told me.”

“Such as?”

“How you had feelings for me in college. How I hurt you on numerous occasions because I was a stupid, immature kid. I’m sorry for Tori and Hannah”—she winces, and I feel sick—“and for the shitty things I did and said.”

Her expression shuts down. “I don’t want to go over the past.”

“We need to go over the past,” I tell her. “All these years, I thought you hated me back in college. I thought you were judgmental, but that wasn’t the case, was it? You were just protecting yourself.”

She nods her head.

“Talk to me,” I say gently.

She closes her eyes, like she can’t look at me and say the words. “I had a crush on you back then.” She opens her eyes but doesn’t look at me. “And, of course, seeing you with Tori hurt, but I can’t blame you for that because you didn’t know how I felt. But you said…” Her lip trembles.

“I never thought you were fat, babe.”

She winces, and I want to go back in time and punch the idiot kid that I was in the face. “I know what I said, and it was a dickish, stupid thing to say. I was a dumb kid, and I hurt the one person who never deserved to be hurt.”

“But it wasn’t just that. You stood by while your friends said mean things about me, and you never once said anything to stop them.”

“I hate that I did that. I hate that I don’t even remember. I can’t change the past. All I can do is try to make up for it and apologize for my dickish behavior back then…and now.”

“You slept with my friend Hannah.”

“I know.” I scrub my hands over my face.

“I know you had no clue how I felt about you in college, but I always felt invisible to you, and I put that down to you thinking that…I wasn’t good enough for you. And I still feel the same.”

“Fuck no.”

I’m off the sofa, kneeling at her feet, grabbing hold of her hands. She doesn’t hold mine back, but she doesn’t push me away either, so I take that as a good thing.

“I’m not good enough for you. I wasn’t back then. And I’m not now. But I’m selfish enough to tell you that I’m in love with you. I fucking love you, Morgan, and I need you.”

Tears are glistening in her eyes, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, so I keep going.

“I am madly and crazy in love with you, and I need you to forgive me because I don’t know how to get through another day without you.”

She’s not saying anything, and I’ve never been so afraid in my whole life.

“Morgan?”