Page 108 of River Wild

He created more of me.

Boys who will grow into men with more pain and resentment than they know what to do with.

I hope those boys can move on. Live a full life. Love and be loved.

That’s not in the cards for me.

I’m a barely functioning human being.

This keeps me going. What I’m doing now, it gives me purpose. And, the glass art that Gran taught me to do, that helps keep my mind calm.

And Red. She’s a balm to the open wounds I have.

Something I didn’t even know I needed.

Just being around her brings a calming peace to me.

Even when we’re disagreeing.

Life without her now would be … hard.

She’s going to wonder why I just checked out on her.

I’ll go see her tomorrow morning. Make up some bullshit excuse. She doesn’t need to know about this. She doesn’t need to know anything more about me. Her knowing about my mom is more than I wanted her to know.

But, surprisingly, it didn’t change things.

Well, I did. I fucked it up for a while. And I’m lucky as hell that she gave me another chance.

I just … I like the way she looks at me. The way she treats me. Like I’m normal.

I don’t want anything to ever change that.

But, when I saw him in the store earlier … the store filled with kids and their parents … I wanted to walk over to him and rip his dead heart out of his chest.

The only reason I didn’t was because I was with Red.

He didn’t see me though.

But he will very soon.

I made my presence known to him when he got out of jail two months ago.

He’d only served a sickening two years before he was put back out on the streets.

And that was where I came in.

I approached him and told him I’d be keeping tabs on him. Warned him to keep his nose clean.

Clearly, he didn’t take heed.

Stupid cunt.

So, I’m back here to remind him what will happen if I ever see him near kids.

I can feel anger coursing through my veins. I take a long pull on my cigar, curling my fingers into the palm of my other hand, digging my nails into the skin until I feel it break. The little trickle of blood calms me some.

The burner cell I keep in my truck rings.