Page 90 of When the Smoke Clears

“We could play together.”

Will wets his lips. “I do love playing with you.”

I tuck my chin, heat bleeding into my cheeks. “Are you sure about that?” The second I mumble the words, I feel regret for ignoring the asterisk.

“What does that mean?”

“I bet your dad loves having you with him. And your mom must be so grateful for the daily support. You are a good man, Will.”

“You’re dodging my question.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“No.” I chuckle, shaking my head. “I’m keeping my emotions and ego in check. You’re in survival mode. Expecting anything from you isn’t fair.”

He squints. “What might you expect from me?”

“Nothing.”

He shakes his head. “If I weren’t in survival mode, what would you expect?”

“I’d expect you to come see me during your visits to Missoula.”

His shoulders relax. It’s not the reaction I expected. “Well, if I weren’t in survival mode, I’d still be living in Missoula.”

“True. Then you’d see your friends more often, and you’d see me just the same as you do now since I’m not living in the shed.” And it’s out. I said the quiet part out loud. I’m good at giving advice, but terrible at doing the right thing.

“You’re upset.”

I shake my head. Lies . . . I’m full of lies.

“I dumped my heart out to you the night before I left, and you said nothing,” he says.

My jaw unhinges. “You told me not to say anything.”

“I didn’t want you shrinking me. But for God’s sake, you could have made some acknowledgment. Instead, you voiced your curiosity about Casey’s girlfriend living with him.”

I’m flabbergasted. No, that’s not a strong enough word. I’m astounded. Thunderstruck. For three months, he’s been harboring his disappointment in my lack of response to the very thing he told me not to respond to?

“Is that why you’ve ignored me?” I almost choke on the words as disbelief jumbles my thoughts.

“No. Yes.” He shakes his head, brow knitted. “No. It’s not that simple.”

“Let’s eat,” Jamie calls into the kitchen.

Will pushes off the counter. As he passes me, I grab his wrist. He stops, and I close my eyes. You’re killing me, William Landry. I’m the dumbest genius in the world for loving you.

Every word stays locked in my heart, and I release him, thinking of Jamie’s advice. Let Will go. No more obsessing. He’ll crush you because he’s still a boy who can’t understand the fragility of a young woman’s heart falling in love for the first time.

“You were my first, but not my last,” I say. “I slept with Casey when he and I dated. And a handful of other men since you. So don’t feel like I will die without you. I’m hopeful. Not hopeless.”

“Hope,” he whispers before rejoining everyone on the deck.

I take a few deep breaths and follow. Why did I want to be included tonight? Will I ever learn?

Chapter Thirty

Will

“Jamie wants me to talk to you,” Fitz says the next morning when I step into the kitchen I helped renovate last spring. Jamie wanted “calming blue” cabinets with metallic hardware and a gray granite with white veins.