Page 114 of When the Smoke Clears

“Oh? And what would that be, Dr. Landry?”

“If you slowly insert a man’s penis into your mouth, he’ll stop snoring. I think it has a one-hundred-percent success rate.” I shrug. “At least, that’s the most recent data from double-blind sleep studies.”

She channels Dr. Reichart, giving me no reaction, and her self-control gets me almost as aroused as her naked body inches from mine. I know after eavesdropping on her conversation with my mother and not properly acknowledging her confession of love last night, I should proceed with caution. But I can’t help myself.

“I really should be with my dad today,” I say.

She nods several times. “Absolutely.”

“But last night was fun.”

Her eyes widen. “Wow. Is that the best you’ve got? How many times have you said that to a woman?”

“Plenty. But I usually follow it up with something like But I’m not looking for anything complicated right now. So see ya around.” I sip my coffee and then hold it cupped in my hands between my legs.

She pushes out of her chair and steps around the table to straddle my lap, taking my coffee and setting it on the side table. “Does that mean you’re looking for something complicated with me?” She kisses the corner of my mouth, thumbs stroking my cheeks just below my eyes. It’s the most soothing feeling in the world.

“It means . . .” I whisper, kissing the inside of her wrist.

“What?”

I hold her arms, keeping her hands on my face. “No matter what happens, take that job at Hopkins. No matter how many nights we have like last night. No matter what I say to you. No matter what your heart tells you. If my dad dies. If I shatter into a million pieces in the process of grieving him. Even if in my weakest moment, I beg you to stay.” I turn my head and kiss the inside of her other wrist. “Promise me you’ll go.”

Tears shine in her eyes. I’m not trying to be cruel. Just the opposite. It’s because I care about her I want her to let me go. I’m the worst dream. She can do better.

“I shouldn’t have told you about Hopkins.”

On a slow sigh, I pull her hands from my face. “There are probably a lot of things you shouldn’t have done, with regard to me. Don’t let passing up this job be another one. I want more for you.”

Everleigh frowns. “What if your idea of more is my idea of less?”

“Then one of us is messed up. And it’s not me.”

She grabs my arm, sliding up my sleeve to look at the tattoo of Brandon’s date of death. “People die, but grief is eternal. A mentor of mine once said if you want to live, you have to learn how to survive. But I see the inverse. If you want to survive, you have to learn how to live.”

“Sounds like expensive advice.” I bury my face in her neck, kissing just below her ear.

She giggles, leaning her head to the side. “I’m an extremely valuable friend.”

Hearing her use the word friend should be a relief, but it’s not. I know she’s trying to put on a brave face. Dr. Reichart would tell her to run away from this firefighter without looking back. Run toward someone she can love without feeling guilty for it. An I love you without a delayed I’m sorry. I hope Dr. Reichart (not Everleigh) makes the decision about Hopkins.

“I’m going for a walk.” She kisses the side of my head. “Go be with your father.”

I lift my head. “Are you not coming to meet him?”

“Do you want me to meet him? I got the vibe yesterday that you weren’t too sure.”

That’s a great question. I wanted her to come to Somers because I selfishly wanted more time with her. But I haven’t given the specifics much thought.

“I’m here for you and your mom.” She traces my bottom lip with her thumb. Her delicate touch is indescribable. My heart physically aches when she does it. “I’m here until you send me on my way.” She smirks. “I can see him later, if or when the time feels right.”

Feels right.

She feels right, but literally everything else in my life feels wrong.

“Everleigh,” I say, grabbing her waist as she crawls off my lap. “I . . .” The words catch in my throat. If only I had said them before now, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I didn’t, so they’ll hit differently now, and she’ll think I want her to stay for me. So I slowly shake my head. “Never mind.”

She slides her hand along my neck, thumb caressing along my pulse. “I know you do,” she whispers.