Page 26 of Beg Me

We clean up the kitchen and then sprawl out in the living room.

“In all seriousness,” Mira says from her spot on the floor, “when do you think you’ll get married, Astrid?”

“Gray and I talked about it last night when I reminded him you all were coming over tonight. And we decided to hold off on making any plans until after Audrey’s wedding.” She looks around the room at us. “We’re still getting settled here and falling into a new routine. And there’s no reason to rush it. Neither of us is going anywhere.”

Her words soften my heart, and the look on her face makes me grin.

Neither of us is going anywhere.

What a nice sentiment.

“There might be a limit to how much of this marriage stuff I can take,” I joke, leaning my head against the couch. “You’re all killing me with the sweetness.”

“We’ll be here for you when you find Mr. Right,” Audrey promises.

I laugh. “Auddie, I hate to break the news to you, but that’s probably not going to happen.”

She frowns. “Of course, it will.”

“You can’t want to be alone forever,” Mira says, lifting a brow.

“And you gotta get some dick at some point,” Gianna says. “Not that you must be married for that. Obviously. But this anti-man campaign you’re running has to end eventually because toys can only get you so far.”

I level my gaze at her. “I concede that point. But here’s the thing. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not seeing men with rose-colored glasses, and I’m not putting myself in a position to get underwhelmed and feel underappreciated.” Frustration bubbles through my veins. “When I’m in a relationship, I give everything that I have. And I’m tired of getting nothing back but lies and deceit.”

“I know what Jasper did to you,” Audrey says, gently. “But I feel like there’s more to the story.”

Mira watches me from the corner of her eye, trying to read whether I want to talk about this or not. Usually, it’s not a big deal. I’m raring to go when it comes to talking shit about the men who have screwed me over. But there are also times when I don’t want to get into it, and Mira knows that.

“I dated a guy before Jasper for six months,” I say, settling into the cushions. “And everything out of his mouth was a lie. Everything. Looking back, I don’t think his name was even Hudson. And the guy before that ghosted me completely. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead. Don’t care at this point, either.” I sigh. “Let’s see … There was the guy who tried to steal Mom’s wedding ring out of my jewelry box and one who robbed a convenience store.”

Boy, I sure know how to pick ’em.

Audrey’s big blue eyes fill with concern. “Dang. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

I give her a reassuring smile because of course she didn’t know.

Out of all the girls, I know Audrey the least. Gianna and I clicked right away because we’re so similar. But in the same way I can identify with Gianna, I can’t with Audrey. She’s more reserved, careful. She might be the most wholesome person I’ve ever known. Sometimes I start to say things in front of her and stop because it feels like I’m tainting her—like I’ll go straight to hell for corrupting her.

“But you want to get married and have babies,” Mira says, giving me a look like Lolly does when she’s trying to convince me to open up. “Right?”

“In a perfect world, sure,” I say. “But I hate to break it to you, the world we live in isn’t perfect. And I fear that you all got all the good ones in a thousand-mile radius.”

They try to object to my observation, but soon realize I’m right. Or, at least, I might be right. Because when I ask them to name another man they know who is as good as Gray or Drake or Brooks, they can’t.

I excuse myself to get another glass of wine.

My chest is tight as I empty the last bottle of red into my glass. Talking about this with my friends is cathartic, in a way, but it also freaking sucks. Not only am I the downer of the group, but if I’m truly being honest, it hurts.

I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want to pay the price tag for love. I’ve done it so many times, going right back to losing my parents as a teenager. There have been times when I’ve considered that maybe I subconsciously pick men who’ll be impossible to love as some expression of self-preservation.

Mira gets it, but I don’t think the others do, and I’m grateful for that. I’m happy they’ve never experienced such a deep loss as losing your mom and dad, and always getting screwed over by the men in their lives. They found their unicorns. I haven’t, and I’m pretty sure I never will.

I sigh and down the whole drink.

Being right all the time sucks.

CHAPTER