Page 11 of Abundance of Obsession

Not next week, not this weekend. Not soon, if I have any say in this!

His question breaks the last thread of my patience. “Don’t push me. If I have time, I’ll get back to you.”

I end the call and throw the phone on the floor.

“Fucking hell!”

Eli's journal

#2

While the specifics are fuzzy, I have a recollection of my mother’s cheerful nature. A frown rarely marked her expression.

Trips to the park. Playing in the back yard, or in the pool. Building a fort together out of pillows and blankets…

All of this came back to me last night when I couldn’t sleep.

All at once.

And soon after, in our life, sadness set in.

The kind that squeezes your heart and won’t let go.

It started simply. Mom said she was exhausted. She insisted rest would resolve everything.

But she didn’t work like everyone else. She didn’t need to.

In a few days, it seemed she was feeling better because the smile returned to her face. And then it vanished again.

The next excuse was the stress she was under because of the foundation she ran.

She was helping the sick on the other side of the world.

The foundation was vital to her, and she devoted quite a lot of time and energy to it. I grasped it wasn’t the best of times.

So, I waited for whatever was supposed to happen with her charity to happen. My favorite smile also returned for a fleeting instant.

Now I know that was the start of a rollercoaster none of us noticed. Up, down, up, down… and so on and so on.

The issue was a growing level of sadness and a diminishing sense of joy in our lives. Everything seemed the same as before, yet it was different.

I felt as if that thing were stealing her away from me.

She was right there. Yet, it felt as though she wasn’t.

Something strange and bad took her away from me.

And a void grew inside.

I tried to fight it, to cheer her up. It didn’t help.

The awareness dawned on me: I had to be good, well-behaved, patient, and study hard.

My fear was that the responsibility lay with me. Mom wouldn’t be happy because of me.

But it was all in vain. All my efforts amounted to nothing.

Mom was still sad. Sad in the morning, sad in the evening. Sad with me and sad without me.