Page 154 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 1

I lifted my eyebrows, silently asking him what had just happened.

“Aren’t we…gonna fight about it? I thought we were flirting.” I took the second part as a joke and laughed a little.

“Maybe later,” I said, moving past Caden to crash on his bed. I crossed my legs at my ankles and twined my fingers behind my head. Caden walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. There was enough room for him to lie next to me, but he was visibly confused with the turn of events. I sighed and watched his face. Longing unraveled in me so abruptly that I almost sobbed. “Can you just…hold me?” I whispered.

Caden needed a moment to let my words sink in. But when they did, he dropped to his side and wrapped an arm around me.

I twisted and turned until I was his little spoon, then let my head sink into the pillow. Caden’s heated breath on my neck and his bare torso against my shirt made me want to melt into him. But my mood was too sour for anything fun.

I had been careless. I had nearly gotten caught. Again. There was no telling how Jordan would have taken it. And I had no intention of outing myself by accident. Especially not until I knew who the hell I was. A straight dude with a taste for a single dick? That didn’t sound quite right. But if that was the case, then I was still straight. Right? No other guy got close to sparking my curiosity, let alone the levels of lust Caden provoked by simply existing.

But there was a flipside to this. Since the night I had kissed him behind the Thirsty Thinker, not one girl drew my attention, either. I was only straight because of the history of my dating preferences. Since the Thinker, I was resolutely a Caden-sexual, and it made my mind spin.

“Have you ever believed in soulmates?” I whispered. As soon as I said the words, I tensed. It was too close to sounding like I suggested we were soulmates. We definitely were not if our past encounters were any measure. If anything, we were the opposite of soulmates.

He must have felt the tension in my muscles. His hand traveled down my arm, caressing me gently. “Where’s this coming from?”

I sucked my teeth and thought about it. “I feel like hockey’s been my childhood sweetheart. It’s always been a marriage, but I got to screw around, you know?” I chuckled. It was hard to put these things into words. “I never dated anyone, Caden.”

He drew a deep breath of air, held it, and then exhaled against my neck. “I never dated anyone, either.”

“I mean, I’ve hooked up countless times. Hell, I even led some of them on, although I had no idea that was what I was doing at the time. I didn’t realize she was falling for me. I wouldn’t have encouraged it if I knew.” I sighed. “But it was never anything like this.”

We were quiet for a time. I enjoyed his proximity. His strong arm reached around my body again and then pulled me closer. It made me so comfortable that I couldn’t imagine a better place to be. Maybe some Christmas Eve from my childhood, when Uncle Nate and my mom and grandparents were around me, trying — and, frankly, succeeding for a night — to stuff the presents in the gap left by my father. “All I ever knew were hockey drills, conditioning, and hooking up. I’m shit at everything else.”

Caden’s palm pressed the middle of my chest, fingers spreading over my heart. “That makes two of us.” His voice was a low rumble against my bare neck. I wanted his lips on my ears. I wanted his breath over my mouth. I wanted our bodies to connect.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him how frightened I was when I saw Jordan with my pills. I’d thought I’d gotten discovered. An unreasonable shame had filled me and traces of it lingered in my heart.

Why was I ashamed of this guy’s hand soothing every pain in my soul?

“What was it like?” I asked. “Coming out.”

Caden released a sigh. “Do you have all night?”

“You know the answer,” I said.

Several nights in a row, I had been here until dawn. It had gotten easier with Jordan’s preoccupation with his stepbrother’s life. And I always pretended to be leaving the house, although I was only a few doors down from my room. We would fuck, then sleep until the early hours, and I would return to my room while Jordan was still fast asleep.

Caden mused for a short while, then sucked his teeth. “I can’t tell you when I first knew. Looking back, even at six years old, I had this weird fascination with Samurai Jack. The six-pack on that guy, man. I used to draw him, but some instinct told me to keep it a secret. I don’t know if my parents ever saw those drawings. I thought I was good at hiding them back then, but what did I know? I was six. Later, when I was maybe eight or nine, I had my first real crush. Again, I didn’t realize that was what it was. I saw Peter Pan with that Jeremy kid. Kid… He’s older than me.” He laughed a little. “But I spent days dreaming about Peter coming to me at night, making me one of his Lost Boys. At that age, I only wanted to be friends with him forever. Now I realize I was so freaking in love with him. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. He was on my mind non-stop. Half the time, I just wanted to cry because he wasn’t real and I was stuck in the real world.”

I frowned. There was nothing even similar in my experience. My fascination grew sky-high. “When did you realize, though?” I asked.

“Oh, um, on my twelfth birthday. I’d invited some kids from school to my place because Mom and Dad wanted to throw me a party. I’m a summer child; swimming pool, barbecue, you know the drill. Most kids were my school friends, but I invited a boy with whom I only had one class. I used to sit behind him and watch him play with a lock of hair on the back of his head all the time. He had this thing; he would twist that lock around his index finger and would just twist and twist. Sometimes, when he had a fresh haircut, it was too short, but he kept trying even if there wasn’t enough length for him to turn it around his finger. All of his hair was straight, but he made that lock curly, so it stayed curly even when he didn’t play with it. I swear, I could have watched him do that all day. He’s half the reason I suck at math. I couldn’t pay attention to anything the teacher was saying.” His hands rubbed the middle of my chest caringly and my heart throbbed. “So, I figured I might as well invite him to hang out. My birthday was a great excuse for that. Mind you, I had no idea I was crushing on him. Like before, I just wanted to be friends and that wish kept me up at night.

“And so, it’s my birthday and all the other kids are there, and they’re having the best time ever. They’re jumping in the pool, devouring the infinite supply of hotdogs that Dad was grilling, running up to my mom for more fizzy drinks and cookies. And all that time, I sat next to a mountain of gifts I’d gotten but hadn’t unwrapped yet. I was waiting for him, but he wasn’t there. And I felt like the stupidest boy in the world that I could even hope that he would take the time to come to my party. But,two hours into my party, the doorbell rang and I knew — I knew — I shouldn’t show all my excitement. I didn’t know why, but I knew I needed to stay cool. Even so, I nearly crashed into my mom carrying a punch bowl, but I didn’t slow down. I ran to the door, pulled it open, and there he was. Alexander. Not Alex. Never Alex. He had the biggest smile, his front teeth larger than the rest and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I wanted bigger teeth because of him. I’ll never forget, he wore denim shorts and a bright checkered shirt and he carried the biggest box wrapped in gift paper I had ever seen. He marched right in, handed me the box, politely greeted my mom, who had just reached us, and waited for her to take the box from me before he could hug me. My heart leaped so hard I thought I would die. Beckett, that was the most fun I had ever had up until that point. Alexander was impatient to get into the pool, so I took him straight there, feeling like one of the cool kids because I had a pool in my backyard. And when he changed into his swim trunks, I knew without a doubt that I was in love with him. I think I ignored all the other kids that day. And if someone wanted to hang out with Alexander, I would be fuming with jealousy and I would find a way to distract him. For hours, I showed him every trick in the pool I could think of, then made up some of my own. Then, when I ran out of ideas, I showed him my room and revealed my hockey obsession, even though I was only going to hockey practice once a week at that time and just getting the hang of it.”

Caden fell silent for a while. I hadn’t heard so many words from him in the entirety of our relationship. When you put them all together, they probably fell short of his story tonight. I was sucked in and on the edge of my seat. “What happened then?” I asked and found his hand on my chest, then covered it with mine.

Caden was quiet for a little while. Then, as if it were nothing, he said, “I cried myself to sleep that night.” After a beat of silence, he explained. “Not because I realized I was in love with a boy, but because my birthday ended. I wouldn’t have another for a whole year. And I didn’t dare hope Alexander would have the time for me before then.” He laughed at that. “I was wrong. We were friends after that. Practically inseparable for some time. But it was the most painful friendship I ever had. I was pining and he had no idea. He couldn’t know. He wasn’t like me. So the pining slowly turned into resentment and resentment became self-hatred that I would even be so stupid as to fall in love with him. I had to cut him off.”

“Tss. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.

Caden laughed at that. “Please. First crush. When does that ever end any other way?”

We were quiet for a time, then I remembered why I had even asked him any questions in the first place. “But when did you come out?”

“Oh.” Caden took a breath. “I have this aunt, my mom’s sister, living in California. She visited once a year, sometimes less. She’s a big-deal inheritance lawyer in Santa Barbara. With my parents, she was always the most adult person, but when she took me out for a treat — a provincial kid like me with an aunt who wanted to buy him stuff, how could I resist? — she always became that cool aunt other kids had. So one day, she took me to the mall and noticed me glancing at a group of other kids my age. I was maybe sixteen, so it wasn’t a stretch when she asked if I liked the girl. ‘She’s cute,’ she told me. And when I blushed, she just smiled. ‘Or maybe it’s that boy,’ she had said to me pretty softly and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. She went on to tell me, ‘And that’s absolutely fine. And your parents will tell you the same thing if that worries you.’ She let me deny it lamely for a heartbeat or two, then took my stumbling and abrupt silence for a confirmation. She winked at me and then said, ‘Your cousin Hudson’s been dropping hints. Don’t tell him I know. I’m waiting for him to decide he’s ready to say it. And I know that your parents will be patient, too, so you take your time.’ Mind you, I hadn’t seen my Cousin Hudson since I was nine and I still haven’t. I know he came out soon after because my aunt told me so one day when we were texting. And that made all the difference. I had a friend. I had an ally. And she was right about my parents.”