Page 116 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 1

Riley nodded and waited.

“I don’t know if I want to stay on the team. Hell, I don’t know if there’s enough love for hockey in me to make me care.” My lips twisted in a mixture of disgust at my words and sadness that it had gotten this bad. “It’s like he ripped it all away from me. All he does is gloat.”

“Fuck, that’s a lot to unpack. Are you seriously giving up?” he asked.

I shrugged. “What else am I gonna do? I’m obviously sidelined despite my skill. Why should I waste my time and energy — and, let’s be real, my body — to play second fiddle to some Partridge asshole? I think I might be done with the Titans, Cap.” The word fell over my lips and sparked a wildfire of nostalgia.

Riley smiled at it, but he was no longer my captain.

“It was so much better when you were there,” I said. “I can’t tell you how much I miss you.”

Riley pinched his lip and pulled it in thought, then released it and looked into my eyes. “You never minded that I was the leader, Caden.”

I thought about it for a heartbeat or two. “True, but following you felt right. It mattered. You were fair and determined, and you motivated everyone. It was a privilege to assist you. Now? I don’t even know what I am. My status is undetermined. Apparently, I’m just a big sulk, gossiping about Beckett to everyone who would listen. That’s how they see me. And, honestly, I…I can’t blame them.”

Riley winced. “And what’s he like?”

“Blunder after blunder. He’s complaining whenever someone stays out late. He’s acting like he’s an example of responsible behavior. The guy who dated two girls at the same time, got drunk, mistakenly invited them both to the same date, then forgot to show up.” I would have laughed if it wasn’t so goddamn like Beckett. It had his name all over it. The girls showed up and hit it off, realized they’d been fooled, and dumped his ass. He later told the story with a very proud smile on his face. Beckett Partridge was someone who bragged about shit like that.

Riley laughed, though. “I heard he was the last drop for both of them. They started dating after that night. I don’t know if they’re still together.”

That was funny, at least. Beckett was a lesbian awakening to not one but two people. I wished I knew what that made him feel. He’d probably just brag about being the best matchmaker in town and using it to hook up with other girls.

“Lately, he’s been making some pointed comments, too,” I said reluctantly. “I mean, it’s true that I don’t care what anyone thinks at this point. I’ve been, ah, seeing guys more lately, and Beckett’s…I don’t know. He’s using it against me.”

Riley frowned. “That’s none of his fucking business. Do you want me to have a word with him? I will.”

“No, no,” I blurted. “That would just make things worse. He’s not exactly bullying, but it’s getting close.”

Riley shook his head heavily. “He’s never been homophobic about me. Hell, he was thick as thieves with Cam. I’m not sure what his deal is.”

“I think it’s just me. He has no filter with me. He says things like, ‘Do you have to advertise it?’ or ‘Do you have to shove it in my face?’” Riley winced, and I continued. “Yeah, it’s the same homophobic shit that kept me in the closet until now.”

Riley nodded. “You shouldn’t put up with it, Caden. Draw the line there, or he’ll just get worse.”

I thought about it, then leaned back in my chair. “And about his captaincy? Do you suggest I let go?”

Riley sucked his teeth. “I don’t suggest anything.”

I folded my lips for a moment. “But you don’t think I’m doing the right thing.”

Riley lifted his hands shortly. “If you can’t put up with it, you can’t put up with it. But I know your worth. And so will the recruiters. I think the Titans are your best shot. You’ve joined that team with a purpose. It wasn’t just to lead them, but to be part of a team. To be a cog in a machine. Each and every last one is crucial. But hey, it’s just my opinion.”

I swallowed and filed his words for some serious consideration. I wasn’t going to reach a decision now. Perhaps I really should just leave the Titans. Perhaps I will be kicked out tonight. It was odd how soothing it was to imagine having that power over the outcome. To think I could leave on my terms was a leverage I had. It calmed me. But when I imagined getting kicked out tonight, it broke my heart. Was I that toxic? It was the same outcome, but the one who dealt the blow made all the difference.

They couldn’t vote me off, but I had already imagined how this would play out. They would tell me to step away. If I refused, they would bring it up with Coach Murray. His hands would be tied. He would have a mutiny on his hands and I would be the quickest solution. The only solution, actually.

“If I were in your shoes,” Riley said slowly, carefully, and pursed his lips. The eye contact was intense for a few moments. He inhaled, then dropped the heavy stuff. “I would do one for the team. I’m sorry. I’m no help at all, and we might have different goals, which is fine. But if it were me, that’s what I would do. Stay and fight. You’re not the captain this term, but you still have plenty of opportunities to prove yourself. And agents don’t just search for captains, either.”

I swallowed my protests. Riley was saying what he would have done. And it worked for him. But my situation was different. Everything he said was correct, except that Coach Murray and Beckett Partridge stole something from me. They made me feel worthless. They made all my hard work mean nothing.

And I wasn’t sure I had it in me to let that pass.

We sat a while longer, catching up as old friends would. Riley and Cameron rented a place together when they got recruited. Life together wasn’t without challenges, but Cameron was fierce, passionate, and protective. Riley tried sounding annoyed by it, but he failed. The smile was audible, even if it wasn’t visible.

For this one moment, it was nice to just sit with a friend and talk about this. It was nice that he’d taken the time, even though he insisted he was glad to see me and that this wasn’t an intrusion. I guess I needed to get that through to my head.

And when our conversation was over, I felt better about everything. Not that I was any closer to a decision. I only knew I would be content with either outcome.