Page 107 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 1

“I appreciate it,” I said. Perhaps he could have taken me to the nearest punching bag.

“For what it’s worth, I honestly thought you bagged the captaincy,” Sawyer said. “It’s not fair.”

“You can say that again.” A sigh left me before I could stop it. I gritted my teeth as another wave of anger, mixed with bruised pride, spiderwebbed through me. We sat in silence because I wasn’t going to let myself be a mopey kid crying over something he couldn’t change. But damn, I felt like it.

Two years of neglecting everything else in my life got me nothing.

Two years of living with my team, practicing daily, conditioning, bonding, and cutting off every desire that had ever sprung through my chest because I couldn’t afford distractions, left me less than I would have had if I had screwed around and drank and arrived late at least twice a week.

Beckett could be late.

Beckett could drag a trail of swooning girls wherever he went.

Beckett could chug a keg and retain his firm abs.

And when all was said and done, he could reach out for the most coveted spot on the team, leaving me with nothing but regrets.

God dammit, what had I done with my life? Aside from Riley, who’d been openly gay since coming to Northwood, I wasn’t officially out to anyone. Not even Sawyer knew. He hadn’t advertised his sexuality all too much, either, so I’d never known for sure. But me? I’d hidden it like it was a taint on my perfect record because athletes simply weren’t gay. Not here, not anywhere. Just now, I looked around and noticed some tiny shifts in queer visibility in sports, thanks to blazers like Riley and Cameron, who had kissed on the ice in front of tens of thousands of onlookers last spring.

Slow determination unfolded within me.

“Oh, you look…murder-y again,” Sawyer pointed out.

I shook my head and snorted. “Nah, I’m not killing him. If Coach thinks Beckett’s ready to lead, that’s on him. And if Beckett thinks he’s got what it takes, he’s cockier than I thought. As for me…” I shrugged. “I’m done chasing the wheel like a raving dog.”

Sawyer frowned deeply. “You don’t mean…”

“Leaving the team? No. I can’t miss the opportunity to see Beckett attempt to chew all he’s bitten off. I’ll be around. But I think I know what my place is around here. And I’m done putting in more than I’m required. He’s the captain. He can lead by example and I’ll follow to a dot. We’ll see how far that will get us.”

Sawyer moaned and whimpered softly, shaking his head in disappointment. “Shit, man. We had this last year with Riley and Cam. Do we have to go through the same mess again?”

I shook my head decisively. “Not the same thing. Cam and Riley couldn’t work together because of their history. Us? Well, I can work with anyone, but they need to be serious about it. And Beckett is the least serious hockey player I ever had the misfortune of meeting.”

“You’re so gonna end up fucking, I can’t even…” Sawyer rolled his eyes.

I gawked at him. “What?”

He laughed out loud. “Sorry. That was inappropriate. But it would fit the pattern.”

I narrowed my eyes at my supposed friend. “We are not going to end up fucking. He’s straight. And awful.”

It wasn’t until I’d spoken the words and noticed his expression soften that I realized my blunder. “And you?” Sawyer asked, not unkindly.

I inhaled and held my breath. “I think you know already.”

Sawyer reached and touched the side of his nose with his index finger. “Don’t worry. I can keep my tongue in check if that’s what you want.”

I closed my eyes, my heart skipping a beat, and breathed for a moment. A decision had already revealed itself. So, I shook my head. “I don’t have anything to hide. My parents know. Riley knew. You suspected, obviously. And it’s not like I’ve got shiny career opportunities raining on me that I need to hide.”

“That’s not exactly true. Um. On several levels, Caden.” Sawyer’s head bobbed from one side to the other. His long locks fall over his broody face. “Your career isn't over. Plenty of us don’t have agents yet. Besides, being gay isn’t that big of a deal anymore. You saw Riley and Cam sucking the souls out of each other’s mouths in front of countless people. Half of them were haters, too.”

That was true. Half the crowd had been cheering for our opponents. Like many times, they left the rink disappointed. But I wasn’t sure if that gave me as much pleasure as it had before Coach Murray’s announcement. I inhaled and held my breath for a little while, then shook my head at Sawyer. “The thing is, I can’t find it in me to care.”

Sawyer sat up and hopped off the bed and onto his feet just as I stood. He marched up to me and slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t give up, Caden. It just means all the effort was for nothing.”

I bit my tongue and nodded. Obviously, Sawyer didn’t understand. The effort was already made meaningless. Two years of exemplary behavior failed to make me a leader. It only went to show everyone what a good follower I was.

I saw Sawyer out of my room, flung the wardrobe open, and rummaged through my things. It took careful thinking in combining the tame clothes I owned, but I settled on a stiff-collared, bright shirt with an intricate floral pattern and a pair of tight, dark blue pants that emphasized all the important parts. The mirror looked hot when I looked at it. My butt was firm, my front bulged in a decent-yet-noticeable way, and my shoulders were athletically broad and in contrast with my narrow waist.