Page 65 of Secrets on Ice

"I do," Fish says.

"I do," Collette says.

He kisses her, and the bluff erupts. Pierre cheers through tears, Felix whistles, Brady shouts "Yay!", Claire and Lorraine sob, Ledger claps so hard it sounds like thunder, and even Evan smiles.

I clap and smile because I love them and this is real, their love is real. But underneath the clapping, quietly, something in me is closing a door and sliding the bolt across. Never again. I am never standing at the top of an aisle, never handing anyone the power to stand in front of everyone I love and lie to my face.

The reception glows, lights strung everywhere, lobster on long tables, everyone loose and happy. I dance with Cassidy and Jo, and I tell Collette she's the most beautiful bride I've ever seen and mean it completely. But every now and then it catches up with me, and I have to smile a little harder until it passes.

I'm waiting at the bar for a fresh champagne when Ledger appears beside me and orders a whiskey, and somehow one drink turns into three while he tells me about the summer a ten-year-old Fish tried to charge tourists for lobster tours on a boat he didn't own. He's easy company, funny in that unhurried Southern way, and each time he hands me a new glass he's standing a little closer than the last. It's nice, it's been a long time since a man looked at me like this, and I'd forgotten what it feels like.

I'm laughing at something he's said when Cassidy materializes.

“Um, do you mind if I grab her for a moment?” Cassidy asks.

“Sure, I’ll be right here when you get back,” Ledger says.

Oh, that’s sweet. Cassidy drags me off toward the garden with a grip that means business.

"I have to tell you something," she says, walking me behind a wall of hydrangeas, "and you're going to take it to your grave."

"Okay?"

She checks over both shoulders, and her whole face is lit up like a scoreboard. "I kissed Nelly."

"You what?"

"In the garden about ten minutes ago. Don't tell anyone, especially not my brother. Oh my god, especially not my brother."

"Nelly? As in the goalie?”

“Yes,” she hisses. “Do not look at me like that, I know what I did." She presses her hands to her cheeks and laughs, giddy, champagne bright.

"Em, I have never felt so liberated in my life. I was so scared of the first kiss with someone new, so I found a moment with Nelly, who is just the sweetest, and I just asked him if I could kiss him because I’ve been stressing about the first kiss with someone after my husband, and I basically asked if I could use him. Told him it didn’t mean anything other than I thought he was cute. I also said no one will know, that it was a one-time thing, and then he agreed and we did it,” she rambles. “It was fun. I'm so glad it's out of the way. I feel like I can breathe. And man, is he a good kisser.” I’m shocked, but she’s glowing. I’m not going to take this moment away from her, she deserves it, so I pull her into a hug. “Wait, did I interrupt something with the hot young footballer?”

I shake my head. “No, he’s not interested in me.”

“He said he would be in the same spot when you got back. That man is waiting for you.”

“What! He’s way too young for me. He probably feels sorry for me standing alone at the bar.”

“Or he’s in his cougar era.”

“Get out.” I push her.

“You two have been talking for ages.”

“How would you know, you’ve been playing tonsil hockey with Nelly.”

Cassidy gasps. “Bitch.” She grins. “Ledger is flirting with you.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Yes, he is. Take him in the bushes and kiss him,” she suggests.

“I’m not doing that,” I tell her.

“Why not? He’s cute.”