Page 154 of Secrets on Ice

“I’m fine, Cap.” I cut him off before he can go anywhere with it. “Let’s just train.” He holds my eye for a second, and then he lets it go.

We train, and I hit the bag until my arms give out. It doesn’t help at all.

It happens again the next night.

And the one after that.

Every night that week I lie awake waiting for it, and every night it comes, the whimper through the wall that turns into a scream, and every night I go, because I can’t not go, I physically cannot lie in my bed and listen to her be terrified and do nothing. And every night it ends the same way. Her not knowing me. Her fighting me. Cassidy running in. Ember waking to find she’s hurt me again and falling apart about it.

I stop reaching for her. I learn to stand in the doorway with the light on and my hands where she can see them and just talk, low and steady, until Cassidy gets to her. I take the scratches when I don’t move back fast enough. I tell her every single morning that it’s okay, that it’s not her fault, that I’m fine.

I’m not fine, but that’s not the point.

We’ve got home games this week, at least, so I’m thankful I am here this week to help Cass out. By the end of the week, I look like I’ve been in a fight with a cat and lost.

But I will do anything I can to help her.

I come home early from the gym one afternoon, not expecting the girls to be home. I’m in the foyer when I hear Cassidy and Ember talking on the couch. Ember’s crying, and I stop dead because I don’t want to trigger her.

“… can’t keep doing this to him,” Ember’s saying, her voice thick. “Did you see his face, Cass? I did that. Again. He keeps coming to help me, and I keep hurting him.”

“He doesn’t care about the scratches, Em, he cares about you.”

“I know, and that makes it worse.” A shaky breath. “It’s not … God, this is going to sound insane. It’s not that I think Sully would ever hurt me, I know he wouldn’t. Sully is the safest person I know, he saved my life.” A pause. “But when I’m asleep, when I’m in it, my body doesn’t know that. It just knows there’s a man in the room and I can’t … I can’t breathe, Cass. And I hate it, I hate that I can’t make it stop. I hate that he’s down the hall and every time he tries to help me, I attack him.”

I stand frozen in the dark hallway with my keys in my hand.

“Oh, Em.” Cassidy’s voice is soft. “That’s the trauma talking. That’s not you.”

“It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. It’s happening.” Ember’s crying harder now. “I don’t know how to fix it.”

“You need to talk to someone,” Cassidy says gently. “A professional. Someone who deals with this. This is too big for us, Em. It’s too big for you to white-knuckle on your own. Please, let me help you find someone.”

There’s a long silence.

“Okay,” Ember says finally, so quiet I almost miss it. “Okay. I’ll talk to someone.”

“Thank you,” Cassidy breathes.

I back away down the hall as quietly as I came in. I stand in the corridor outside my own front door with my heart in pieces.

Her words are like a knife to the chest. I don’t know where to go, but I end up downstairs knocking on Fish’s front door. He answers in sweatpants with a dish towel over his shoulder, takes one look at my face, and steps back to let me in.

“Collette’s out,” he says. “What’s going on?”

“I need to talk to someone.”

“Of course, take a seat. Do you want a beer?” he asks.

“Sure.”

He walks over to the fridge, grabs two beers, comes back to the living room, and hands me mine.

“Talk to me, man. What’s up?”

I unload everything onto him. All the stuff that’s happened since that morning at the baths. I tell him about my feelings for Ember, I also explain how I am coping with what happened in Vegas. That I, too, am suffering from nightmares. Every time I close my eyes, I dream that I wasn’t there in time, that I couldn’t save her.

Fish listens to the whole thing without interrupting, which for Fish is a miracle.