Page 118 of Grace

How can something be this appealing and this horrible at the same time?

A swallowtail lifts off in front of me. I stop short—because all I can think about is how I’ll never be able to look at them the way I used to. Now I see these small insects through his eyes.

I look back over my shoulder. Chase is several steps behind me, watching me with narrowed eyes. His fantasy has turned into reality. We’re here in a meadow, butterflies fluttering around me.

No, I won’t dance, but maybe… maybe I can show him the same thing he showed me. I’ll let him into the dark, empty caverns of my mind. He wants to know how I masturbated to his face and body, to the memories of us having sex.

This place inspires me. I’m curious and brave. I leave my lies behind and shout every secret desire of my dirty heart into the world.

I slip out of the dress, and with it I’m shedding all the pretending and lies in this very moment—showing the world the naked truth, in all senses of the word.

I turn to him and slide off my dress. The warm sunlight gently caresses my skin. A sly smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. Chase closes the distance between us in a few long strides.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m living my life,” I whisper against his lips, “and I’m going to show you.”

“Show me what?”

“Every dirty little detail. You wanted to hear all about how I masturbated to our memories… I’ll show you. Then we’re going to make your fantasy real, too.”

“Grace…”

“Hmm?”

“You’re crazy.”

Loud, carefree laughter bubbles up from my chest.

“I didn’t use to be crazy—nor was I an exhibitionist. I was raised conservative, and I meant to keep those values, but you changed me. If there were a map that showed your life’s journey…” I inhale sharply, then say it without a shred of shame, “mine would show a road rerouted by the fingerprints of your dirty desires. You changed me, Baker.”

“No,” he replies, his voice cold—hard, unyielding.

“No?” I ask, blinking in surprise.

“It was you who changed me.”

“Don’t blame me for your sins.”

“And you shouldn’t do the same,” he counters, then steps in close, pressing two fingers into me. I nearly collapse. Chase wraps an arm around me and pulls me against his body, moving inside me in a steady rhythm. “This girl has always been with you, but you hid her away.”

Colorful spots dance in front of my eyes.

“I gave her what she’d always wanted. Freedom.”

“You set her free,” I pant, digging my nails into his shoulder. An icy ache spreads through my chest as joy and pleasure are replaced by sadness. My eyes fill with tears, blurring the picturesque landscape.

“I don’t want it,” I moan, my heart and soul trembling. His body goes rigid, and he slips his fingers out.

“Don’t want what?” he asks quietly, almost in a whisper. My heart pounds. My sadness is like a river that’s burst its banks, flooding everything. His eyes trap mine as he searches my soul with curiosity and hope.

“For this to be over. I can’t… I couldn’t go back to that life. I’d suffocate. I can’t keep living a life where I’m only a shadow of myself. I want to stay with you because… only this love can ease the pain and grief, can give me back the moments I lost. Only with you can I see the world as something other than the darkest nightmare.”

“Whatever happens, always remember this week—and these words.”

“Why?” I ask, forcing a smile. “What could happen?”

Instead of answering, Chase hands me the dress, then pulls me into a tight embrace. We sit in the tall grass and watch the sun sink slowly, taking all my bravery and curiosity with it. I feel horrible—not only because of my coquettish behavior, but also because I couldn’t fulfill his fantasy. But Chase knows me. He’s used to the girl who’s happy and generous one moment, then hostile, angry, and disappointed the next. He’s very good at handling me in these moods—it’s outrageous that he knows what I need so much better than I do. All it takes is one look into his eyes, and he can reach deep into my heart and soul, then give me what makes me feel better. Stronger. Being in his arms is a blessing and a curse at the same time.