Page 88 of The Blood Rites

“No,” I answer, but it comes out too quick.

He cocks his head, then shrugs. “If you say so.”

He lingers for a moment longer, eyes locked on my face, searching for something I’m not willing to give.

Then he, too, walks away.

I am left alone in the alcove, the dim light suddenly throbbing in time with my headache. The air feels thick, each breath a conscious effort.

Why do I feel like everyone’s lives are in my hands?

I drift through the Embrace until my thoughts go quiet, too drained to do anything useful. Everyone else seems to be doing the same thing.

I find Alaris and Fen sitting together near the fountain where we first entered. They are so close their knees touch. I almost leave them to it. But something about the scene pulls me in. They look impossibly small beside the towering stone figures of the fountain.

I hang back, close enough to overhear. Close enough to know I shouldn’t.

Alaris is the first to speak. “It was quick I think. At least he didn’t have to suffer.”

Fen’s voice is a rasp. “That’s a lie. Rask choked him to death with one hand. I saw the light leave his eyes.”

Alaris puts a hand on Fen’s shoulder, awkward at first but then firmer. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. He was brave though. He did it for us. He wouldn’t want you to give up.”

Fen laughs, bitter and ugly. “Well, he’s dead now, so he doesn’t get to ‘want’ anything.”

Alaris’ face twists but he says nothing.

“I just want this to be over,” Fen murmurs.

They sit in silence for a while. Alaris traces invisible shapes on his thighs, while Fen stares at his hands, twisting his fingers together until the knuckles go white.

“You said you would try,” Alaris says. “You promised me.”

Fen shakes his head in disbelief. “I lied. I just wanted to make you feel better.”

Alaris’ voice cracks. “I can’t do this without you.”

Fen shrugs, small and defeated. “You can. You’ll have to. You’re the better channeller anyway.”

“Stop saying things like that,” Alaris pleads. “I hate it when you talk like you’re already dead.”

He sighs and sits up straight. “You know I’m only here on a gamble. I've got plenty of Mana, sure, but I only volunteered to get the coin for my family. You’ve seen the guys from Fire and Shadow, I don’t stand a chance.”

“Now who’s giving up,” Fen retorts, nudging Alaris with his elbow.

Alaris doesn’t answer, but when Fen leans into his side, letting his head rest on Alaris’ shoulder, he lets it happen.

Alaris wraps his arm around Fen’s back and holds him there.

They sit like that for a while, two wounded animals huddling together for warmth.

I feel suddenly out of place.

Like I'm spying on something I wasn't meant to see.

Still, I can’t look away.

“Will you stay and fight with me?” Alaris asks.