Page 119 of The Blood Rites

I try to move but I can’t. My mouth won’t open. I’m trapped again, like all the times before. Suddenly I’m not here. I’m back in the lower rings, held down by men who never even learned my name. Back in the part of me that I try to keep buried. I can’t breathe.

Kael notices. He goes absolutely still.

“Luceris,” he says, alarmed. “Look at me.”

I try, but my eyes won’t focus.

He lets go of my wrists instantly, retreating so fast he nearly falls off the bed.

He sits there, barely breathing, confusion and something like shame etched on his face.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought—I thought you wanted—”

I shake my head, inhaling air like I’ve forgotten how to breathe. “No. I did. I do. Just not—just—”

He nods, understanding before I can even find the words.

He sits next to me on the edge of the bed, careful not to touch, as if any wrong movement might send me further away.

I feel the urge to apologise, but no words come.

Finally, he speaks, voice haggard. “Did I hurt you?”

I shake my head, still trembling. “No,” I manage. “You didn’t. It’s not you.”

He nods, silent, but he doesn't push.

He just sits there, guarding me from the rest of the world, a patient shadow.

“I would never hurt you,” he says, and I believe him.

I try to gather my breathing back into something steady.

When I do, I say, “I’m not afraid of you.”

He gives me a look, sceptical but light. “You should be, but not for the reasons you think.”

Somehow, I know that’s true.

Exhaustion hits me, heavy and all-consuming. I stand and head for the door.

He doesn't stop me. But just before I leave, he says, “If you want me near you, just ask.”

I nod, then slip out, closing the door softly behind me.

Back in my own room, I collapse on the bed.

I ruined it.

He wanted me and I ruined it.

The golden cracks on the floor pulse once, then go still.

I let sleep take me before I can argue with myself any longer. I hope tomorrow hurts less. I hope Kael will understand.

I don’t want fear to be the only thing making my choices anymore.

I’m so sick of running.