Page 127 of Chasing Gold, Catching Her

And somewhere along the way, she started noticing something painful in others too, those athletes who never seemed to carry that kind of fear into performances, who skated freely without that shadow pressing on their shoulders. She envied them.

“That’s great…”

“Are you always this worried?” Tora looked at Alisa, squeezing her hand a little tighter as they walked.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Alisa admitted after a pause. “Every time I lost a championship or a competition, my parents were furious… and my coaches too. It was always a nightmare. And after a while, the fear of making mistakes just became… constant. Especially when everything is on the line.”

“I’m sorry that all of that made you feel scared,” Tora said softly. “But… you love skating so much, doesn’t it still bring you joy?”

“It does,” Alisa answered honestly, “but the fear is stronger sometimes. When I go out in front of people… it just takes over. It’s easier for me to skate when no one is watching, when it’s just training.”

“I would like to see you skate when no one is watching you,” Tora said with a small, gentle smile.

Alisa gave a sad nod, taking a slow breath of the cold park air between the trees, trying to loosen the tension sitting inside her chest.

But Tora… Tora was so calm.

Completely calm about tomorrow’s competition.

And for some reason, that calmness irritated Alisa in a complicated way, not because she wished Tora was anxious too, but because it reminded her of how different it felt to exist like this. Watching others move through life with ease while she felt trapped in a loop of pressure, fear, and expectation she couldn’t step out of.

* * *

The next day, Alisa watched Tora and Loke’s short program, and during the warm-up she found herself remembering how great it had been to skate with Lev and how much she missed him. She decided to send him a video message of the skaters’ warm-up, the same six-minute segment before the performance, and he immediately responded:

Lev: You know, we could do better!

Alisa giggled, because she had just recorded a perfect triple throw from the Tora and Loke.

Alisa: Yes, definitely, we would have taken first place at the Olympics!

Lev: That’s what I’m talking about?!!

After a pause, while the warm-up was still going on, Alisa thought about it for a moment and then returned to her phone, noticing that Lev had sent her another message:

Lev: How are you doing? Are you worried about your performance tomorrow?

Alisa pursed her lips and swallowed nervously as the first pair was announced to take the ice.

Alisa: Yes, as usual… I’m afraid of not meeting the coach’s expectations…

Lev: I’m sure you’ll do your best, but when you jump, when the moment is the most terrifying and you feel that jolt in your heart, just jump.

Alisa: Yes… when it’s the most terrifying, you have to jump…

This was one of Alisa’s favorite quotes about figure skating, and Lev subtly reminded her of it. He was right. She needed to focus and give her best in the short program, but it was still difficult to fully suppress the anxiety tightening in her chest.

Lev: You’ll do great, really! I’m here for you! And I’ll be watching the livestream through the service… I had to pay to watch my favorite figure skating partner!

Alisa smiled to herself.

Alisa: No refunds if you see the worst performance of my career everrrrrr.

Lev: Spit there, quickly!

It was one of the superstitions where you’re not allowed to talk badly about yourself before a competition or something really important. Alisa spat three times over her shoulder and even tapped her head, because there was no tree nearby, she was supposed to knock on wood, technically. Anything to ward off bad words and the scenarios that could cling to her like bad luck.

Alisa: Ready, I’m free of superstitions!